Monday, September 28, 2009

Cal Bears vs Oregon Ducks Live Football Blog!

Welcome to our first annual and first ever Cal vs Oregon football live blog! Your hosts for this event will be Joe Dodson and Professor Paul XXXX, two wildly funny and handsome Cal football fans. But enough about us, let's watch Cal beat the ever loving crap out of Organ!

Paul and I will be co-live blogging this game with the assistance of Gchat, Google's handy-dandy-saveseverythingsothepolicewon'thavetolookfar-chat service! But Paul isn't online yet, so allow me to make a few observations until he logs on.

When I flip over to ABC, the broadcasters promise that some of us will get to see Jeremiah Massoli! Even Oregon fans don't want to see him, who does ABC think they're appealing to? I suspect Cal fans are probably looking forward to seeing Massoli the most, especially his signature "Throw the ball to the wrong team" move, and his incredible "25% of my passes are on target 100% of the time" stat.

(12:34 PM) 
Paul: Hey, we going to do this thing?

Joe: Let's do it!!
Paul: Okay, I'm going to try to eat Trader Joe's tamales while doing this. I may be late to the show. . .
Joe: Those Tamales are awesome! Maybe someday we will be sponsored by them.

Both Oregon and Cal think they have realistic chances of getting to the Rose Bowl. Hopefully only Oregon is deluded.  

My fiance just came in and asked me how many days are in a year. That's random.
Paul: Mac commercials: making Mac fans look like toolbags for two years now.

Joe: Yeah, Mac people grow horrible mustaches. I know, I'm typing this on a Mac.
Paul: The broadcast analyst says Jahvid Best "tests defenses with his feet." I test pool water with my feet.
Joe: Here comes the kickoff, and we're off!
OH! $#%&!
After an Oregon player fielded the kickoff, he was completely destroyed by the tackle of a Cal player, and it's Cal football?! Wow, our guy looked like he decapitated himself delivering that shot.
Paul: That's Sofele, is he going to puke?
Joe: I don't know, where is his head, can anyone see it?
Paul: Is it ok to sacrifice a player for a turnover? How many players do we have?

(12:38 PM) 
Joe: Oregon challenges the fumble. But that ball is out. And that hit was two inches from changing that Duck player's life. Sofele's helmet probably hit his upper quad at about 40 miles per hour, just to the left of center.
Paul: Riley almost fumbles it back to Oregon!
Joe: Yikes, third and 18.
Paul: Riley incomplete down the right side. 3 pass plays, 3 and out.
Joe: If only we had an awesome running back we could turn to.
Wow, we hit a field goal. This game is full of surprises! Take that, Ducks!

Paul: That defender was described as an "awesome specimen"--I love that phrase. Makes me think that he would be the first picked by the alien abductors in lab coats.
Joe: Quick, place him in the ethanol!
Paul: Southwest: we're just awesome! And modest.
Joe: Southwest: "Frequent flights on time!" We can't find our grammar, or your luggage.

(12:45 PM) 
Paul: That kickoff looked like a regular football play. By football teams who play football.
Joe: Lagarrett Blount is out. LaMichael is in. Hmm, Massoli completed a pass.
Paul: A shot of an Oregon player sitting with his knee wrapped in reddening ice. The announcer asks "Is it the knee or Chip Kelly saying sit out?" I would say all the knee is saying is "BLOOD! I'M VOMITING BLOOD!"
Joe: Wow, Massoli almost completed an interception. Syd'Quan Thompson reminds me of Rick James. He has swishy, fabulous posture.
And that Duck drive lasted one Syd'Quan observation.
Paul: I'm thinking pirate. He's Jack Sparrow. He should be good against waterfowl.
Joe: My fiance just came in and said I have a rash. But what does she know, she thinks there are 567 days in a year now.
Paul: We should talk about this rash thing later--football now.
Joe: And the Ducks kick off to the Bears, who manage a decent return. But hold on, there's a flag.
Ah, yeah, that was a clear block in the back on Oregon. 15 yards on top of a solid return, take that Oregon!

Cal changes the formation at the line, and Best runs for an hour to pick up 4. That was like Toad's Wild Ride.

After three straight handoffs, the Bears pick up first down and change!
Hmm, what do you think they should call next?

Oh, the ugly incompletion play. I certainly wasn't expecting that.
Paul: Says a broadcaster, "You have to pick your poison, I would pick Kevin Riley" : Is it because he's slow acting, or because he doesn't cause gagging?
Joe: Riley in the gun…

Tucker! BARGH!
Paul: He really slapped that well-thrown ball with both hands--got it out of the air in a hurry. And now Cal punts.
Joe: I feel like the name Anger is wasted on a punter. He does a lot with it, don't get me wrong.

Paul: I like the idea of angry punts--like "here, you want it back, FINE THEN, BUT ITS ANGRY!"
Joe: I wonder if he screams "ANGER" when he kicks it?
Paul: I always feel bad for the dopey white dj in the Dr. Pepper commercial. Like, what did he do to cause Dr. Dre to call him "Fool"?
Maybe people were having fun talking amongst themselves until Dre comes and forces them all to dance with his irresistible hip hop sense.

Paul: Whoa!

(At this point, Oregon fumbled, Cal recovered, and then the Cal defender fumbled it back to Oregon)
Oh my lord, is that 4 fumbles in the game?
Joe: I was just about to make a Blount and Dre observation, about how Lagarette is the Blount that hits back.
But that double fumble burst my bubble!

Paul: That's some excellent play calling for Oregon--5 yards and a first down!
Joe: That is four fumbles in four minutes! And Lamichael is hurt! They're out of Larunning backs! What are they going to do now? Run for two, I guess.
Paul: What, no fumble? What is this nonsense? First down Oregon on a bubble screen.
Joe: I hate screen plays, because you can see them coming and there's nothing you can do. No play goes for seven as slowly as a screen.

And now they run a misdirection keeper to a sideways screen pass.
Paul: That's their inside zone play.
Joe: YES. The Cal defense makes a great play. Our guy chomped him like a crocodile and death rolled him down!

Paul: Chip Kelly is getting pissed again. And it's 3rd and long.
Joe: Wow, do you see the coach calling the play with his hands doing like a flapping duck wings thing? I wonder if he just does that on every single play?
Paul: Third and Eleven now.
Joe: Syd'Quan breaks up the play from his belly!

Paul: Go Sydquan! Ruin Joe's least favorite play! Now it's 4th and 4 and they are going for it!
Cal calls timeout. They want to watch some commercials before this big play.
Joe: This commercial break is brought to you by a trip to the bathroom. Who needs Flomax when you've had four cups of coffee?

Paul: Olive Garden: the home of never-ending everything! The never-ending glass of water was invented there, if you don't know.

Ok, Big 4th down
Joe: And we're back!
Big hits on that play, but a big gain for Oregon.
Paul: What do you know--screen pass for 8!
LaMichael James is back in.

That's what I like to see, Masoli throwing the ball for 0 yards
Joe: Massoli is my favorite Oregon player by far. Aside from Lagarette Blount.
Paul: He's my favorite Cal player by far. 3rd and 7.

Joe: Wow, this first down is brought to you by the Cal D line.
Paul: Way too much time on that Massoli completion--like the D line just sat down and had tea with the O line.

And now Masoli to the sideline for -4!
Joe: And now for another screen. Oh, or a run for -1!
Paul: James for -2 yards. 3rd and goal from the Cal 13.
Joe: This is reverse psychology. They're trying to alienate our defense by doing our work for us.
Paul: Massoli deflects his own pass!
Joe: Everyone in the crowd shrugs after that completely random Massoli pass. He just loves throwing the ball places, he doesn't seem to care where!
Paul: He was looking for a Cal defender to throw to, but decided not to risk a completion
Paul: Field Goal Oregon, bleh. And the game is tied at 3.
Joe: That's a pretty painless tie.
Paul: My wife wants to know who the most attractive football coach is.
Joe: Well it isn't Chip Kelly. He looks like how moms dress their kids for college football games.

And Vereen makes a huge sneaky runback!
Paul: Vereen all the way across midfield! Wow, we can't do the screen like they can. 2nd and 10.
Joe: Their screens go far, slowly. Ours go nowhere fast. And now for a handoff please!
Paul: Best for 4.
Joe: Phew, Best picks up about four, this should be a convertible third down.
Riley from the gun. Nice completion!
Paul: A completion! To Ross!
Joe: Jeremy Ross is our third down machine!
Paul: The thing about intangibles is that they always name them. But how could they, if they're intangible?!
Joe: Yeah, they need to dance around them verbally more.
Paul: Riley dances around for zero yards.
(1:12 PM) 
Joe: "He's got like a, you know...a whatchamacallit about him."
Paul: What Riley needs is more intangibility. Oh wow, that was a totally missed pass.
Joe: Yuck, what are these horrible plays? And so Cal punts.
Paul: That punt should have been downed on the two, but the guy in kick coverage got dizzy. Chip Kelly's nipples look aggravated.
Joe: So far this game has been all Ducks. And fumbles. And screens.
Paul: Lamichael runs for an Oregon first down. He had a huge hole, but tackled himself!
Joe: He really does it all. A complete player. Both offense and defense!
(1:16 PM) 
Paul: Facemask on the Cal defense!
Joe: That was nothing! He wiped his nose! And on first down Lamichael runs for la-first down. La-lame.
Paul: Massoli from the gun. Another screen! Hmm, the Oregon fans handsign looks an awful lot like something that rhymes with “tellatio.”
Joe: During this commercial break, I'm going to go ahead and call the rest of the drive: Three screens in a row, Massoli is hit, the ball his loose, the whole Cal team tramples his body on the way to the ball!
Paul: And then they knock it the whole way to the other endzone, but can't manage to pick it up (their feet are just so huge!)
(1:21 PM) 
Joe: And we're back to this thoroughly uninspiring game. Hey, Massoli throws for a touchdown. I'm ready for more commercials.
Paul: Fake screen for td! This game is lame, can we start over?
Joe: Fiance says "Their 11th man is making a big difference." I hate that guy 567 days a year!
Paul: Wow, they go for two and throw a screen!
Joe: Stupid Ducks. 11 - 3, Oregon over Cal.
Paul: There are more screens in this game than in a Best Buy.

Joe: And Vereen is the only Bear who is actually playing, great return on the kickoff!
Paul: Shane Vereen is our whole team right now--I didn't think that special teams would be our strong point.
Joe: A broken play for Best is a 5 yard gain. And we give the 5 back on a false start.
Paul: That's encroachment. NO NO NO! The defense was in the neutral zone! They were neutraling!
Joe: Why screw with completely flipping a play when things are so noisy?
Paul: Best is an awesome QB. The direct snap to him is an eeeeasy first down. He could have run that backward.
(1:26 PM)  
Joe: We hand it off to Best again. Oh wow, it REALLY didn't work that time.
Paul: They only had 10 people in the box there.
Joe: They know it's coming!
Paul: 2nd and 14. Screen?

Joe: Vereen gets blasted for about a 6 yard rushing gain.
Paul: What's that flag? Holding? Facemask! This game is playing like Simon Says.
Joe: Yes! Defensive pass interference in the endzone!
Paul: No, Unsportsmanlike conduct!
Joe: This might be Verran Tucker's second huge blown play in two drives.
Paul: 3 penalties on the play!
Joe: So, do we only offset one of theirs?
Paul: No we get the ball at the 17 I think.
Joe: Both penalties will be administered?
(1:30 PM) 
Tucker was all up in the DBs face, like "I ate your relatives for Christmas!"
Paul: “Imma call you Peking!”
Joe: 2nd and 12...come on Bears! And Best gets 1 on the direct snap.
We can't lose to people wearing helmets that look like they were purchased for 25 cents at a gumball machine.
Paul: Riley needs to get intangible on these quackheads.
Joe: Everyone goes in motion, and we run another of our terrible screen plays.
Paul: Screen for nothing.

Joe: We have slightly better screens than a Radio Shack.
Paul: And D'Amato misses the field goal.
Joe: Doh'mato.

Paul: Car Commercials: the purgatory of humor. Oh no! I hate these whale commercials! They make me feel so bad for using them to light our homes in the nineteenth century for so long! Our bad!

Back to the game, Massoli looks like he figured out which team he plays for.
Joe: This is my nightmare. Come on Cal!
Paul: Didn't we know this was going to happen?
Joe: Yes!
Paul: Fumble!
Joe: I knew that was going to happen! Fumble, Cal football! Mykhael Kendricks recovers! Or however you spell his name.
(1:36 PM) 
Paul: Ok, no yelling at the Ducks, people! Don't feed them either!
Oh my…
Simon Says…Fumble!
Joe: We fumble!?
Paul: What's the matter with the football?
Joe: And our first offensive turnover of the year is about as crappy and disappointing as any other turnover.

Paul: And Masoli is torching our defense. I smell fumble.
Joe: No, you smelled that business - a 25 yard rumble by Lamichael.
Paul: Well, there's always next year!

First down on the 2. And our defense looks as porous as an elite Magic Card game player.
Joe: Zing! And Glaven, they scored. The extra point is insipid, 18 - 3 Oregon over Cal.
(1:41 PM) 
This is the problem with live blogging football games you care about, Paul.
Paul: I feel like a normal Cal fan again. It was weird thinking that we might win.
Joe: Oh, I always think we'll beat Oregon. I mean, we almost beat them with Ayoob. We can beat them with anybody.
Two Cal players fumble and bumble the kickoff, then return it frantically to the 22 where every single Oregon player hits the ball carrier.
Paul: Best for 10!
Joe: Nice, Best charges through a hole on a fake pitch.
Paul: I think that was Peking on the tackle.
Joe: Feking duck. Best in motion - manages to gain four.
You know, it seems like we gain 4 on every run, and yet our offense has been completely stalling.
Paul: There was no fumble on that first down!
Joe: And we finally run a successful screen!
And then Riley throws a nice pitch and catch for another first down.
Paul: Let's stick our facemasks in their hands! Wow, Riley throws it 500 miles away.
Joe: The announcer says "I don't like the throwing decision by Riley." Like he decided "This one is going to be ridiculous!"
Paul: Vereen collapses on the line of scrimmage.
Joe: And now for another third and long.
Paul: Riley has completed like 3 passes, and this isn't one of them. Fourth down.
Angry punt coming at the Duck player, he catches it, and the game continues to suck.
(1:50 PM) 
Joe: I'd like to say that Buffalo Wild Wings commercials explains what's been happening in the Cal game, but the officiating hasn't really been a problem.

And even if the referee did ask a secret sports bar inside his replay booth what they thought, the Bears fans might say "Get this over with, I have a lawn to mow."
Hey, you know what would make this worse, a 40 yard Oregon running play. Oh look, there's one!

Paul: There is always someone open for Massoli. Ok, I'm so superstitious that I've changed my shirt.
I will start doing other strange things soon, until this game turns around.

Joe: I'm wearing a Dare shirt, so I know it's not the problem.
It's the solution.
It's also giving me a rash.
Paul: Alualu with a big stop on third down.
Joe: Skin conditions, my anti drug! Finally, an Oregon punt.

What a lazy duck of a punt! That went 10 whole yards!
Paul: Hey, my shirt is working! My shirt says eat it punt! I knew I shouldn't have been wearing that purple ringer T. Real bad shirting decision on me.

Joe: Im just looking forward to being drunk at 3pm in my Dare shirt.
Speaking of which, Best got smoked on that play!
Paul: 2nd and 8. I bet play action. Ah, Riley really owned that 3 yard pass.
Joe: And now for another third down. Best runs directly into a defender for a loss.
Paul: What was that? Why didn't they listen to my shirt? It said WIN!

Joe: We're mirroring everything they do, except the scoring part.
Paul: Simon says punt for 5 yards. Ugh. This is the strangest game ever.

Joe: The commentator says "Ya rarely see back to back five yard punts." Really doctor? You frequently see Massoli miss deep passes, which he does here on second down.
Oh wow, this is about to be 25 - 3.
Paul: 1st and goal Oregon. Cal cannot read the option at all. 2nd and goal.
Joe: I can't bear it!
(2:01 PM) 
Paul: Nobody can see the ball.
Joe: Nothing happened right there. Nothing to see here, folks!
Paul: The ball is intangible. But the touchdown Oregon just scored is not.
Joe: Our offense has forgotten what the ball looks like. It's a thing of legend for them.
Paul: Well, at least it's not close. This way I can get over the hangover during the loss. That commercial break was way too short. I need a bit more to get through this disaster.
Joe: I'm not quite finished banging my head against the coffee table.
Paul: Okay, just take it to halftime.
Joe: This defies amuzing analogy. I can't even spell amusing right now.
Paul: Run the clock out on this bloody sore of a game. What the hell Chip, really? You're going to call a timeout with 12 seconds left?
I think the Bears should sneak onto the bus at halftime and get out of there with the remaining tatters of pride they might still be clinging to.

Another car commerical, another 30 seconds of my life without a smile.
(2:09 PM) 
Yay halftime report--maybe other teams will be upset! Maybe no one will notice that Cal sucked a big waterfowl!

Florida State lost! Hey everybody, don't look at the Cal game--look at that Florida State loss!

Joe: I know what this calls for. This calls for beer! No one loses with beer!
Paul: Yup. But which beer? I don't have any beer called "Duckmeat."
Joe: He goes to the fridge, he opens the door, he pops the cap, score!!! My only fear is that I'll fumble six times and break all six bottles
It can happen.
I've seen it.
Paul: Why does it look so easy for every other team? But when Cal has the football it looks like they're straining on the crapper to lose?
Joe: We have fallen into the outhouse. The question now is, do we climb out? Or does this turn into the kind of 52 - 13 beating we've been inflicting on people?
Paul: I thought the question was whether we could set a record for copying every mistake the other team makes. If this were synchronized swimming, we'd be kicking ass.
Joe: Right, we'll have to see how that plays out in the second half
Paul: The way this goes is that we have to fumble the kickoff to them.
Joe: Everyone should be crying in this UC Berkeley commercial.
"You see confusion."
Paul: "UC a place where they pay their professors with IOUs." Maybe this ritual suicide on the football field is Tedford’s way of protesting the budget cuts?
Joe: "You don't see much offense."
And now the halftime commentator says, "The sleeping giant that is Chip Kelly's offense has awoken."
Not a line I wanted to hear at halftime.
(2:17 PM) 
Paul: Someone get that giant some lunesta. The kind with the butterfly that knocks you out then makes you sleep-drive your way into a ditch.
Okay there are two guys on the screen talking like they don't realize that Cal got murdered a few minutes ago. Shouldn't the police be called?
I mean, shouldn't there be more open weeping? I don't like the way they keep their feelings bottled up inside.
Joe: They were in on it, like prison guards. They're acting like it didn't happen, because "they didn't see anything. They didn't hear any high pitched screams."
Paul: We really need Penn State to lose to take the attention off of our embarrassment. I feel very exposed.
But you did watch the Miracle at Memorial right? Cal came back from 30 down in the final quarter.
Joe: I did see that. But that's the thing, it already happened.
Paul: Yeah, we kicked ass! We need to be happy about things that have already happened! Not distressed over certain beatdowns in the near future.
Joe: Maybe everyone will lose consciousness right before Cal gets really and truly stomped, and during that lapse they'll all see Penn State lose. It’s like a truly uninspired idea for an ABC drama! Coming this Fall!
We might even think we've won!
Paul: Ok, what went right for us in the past half? There was that time when that Duck player was bleeding from the knee.
Joe: Yes, Isi Sofele almost knocked his dick off.
(2:24 PM) 
Paul: And then that other time when the time ran out in the half.
Joe: Yeah, I loved that!
Kevin Riley completed a pass!
Paul: Oh I almost forgot about that pass. Savor that pass.
Joe: Oregon fans are not scary. Then again, neither are ours.
We're back for the second half. Wow, what a kickoff!
Paul: Tedford changed his shirt!
Joe: It'd be awesome if our whole team came out in different jerseys. Hey, that looks good!
Paul: Tucker on a 50 yard reception! I still don't feel optimistic. Tucker is hurt! Dislocated shoulder! S'okay, makes his arms longer.
Joe: And limper.
Wow, nice block Jahvid. I liked the falling down backwards and getting run over technique.
(2:30 PM) 
Paul: 4th and 10.
Joe: We're going for it! Aaaaaand we aren't even close!
Paul: I don't like this.

Joe: This is really not a huge departure from the first half.
To tell you the truth, it is awfully familiar.
Paul: Yeah, basically more of the same. Long drive for nothing.
Joe: At least our D is rested.
Paul: Hey that was good! There's a nice 5 yard loss for Oregon's O!
Now for the bad thing to happen . . .
Joe: Let's see whose shoulder on our D gets dislocated on this play. Oh, just a passing first down on the run by Assoli.
Paul: There is no way he would have made that pass a week ago. Three yard run. 2nd and 7. The announcers are making a big deal about the wind.
(2:33 PM) 
Joe: I hate the "tackle and then drag you backward for a three yard gain" move.
Paul: The wind is just blowing them down the field.
Joe: The wind isn't the only thing that's blowing
Paul: Inside zone for a 20 yard rushing play.
Joe: We're getting long duck donged.
Paul: Our D line is getting killed. The Ducks fumble, and recover it again.
Joe: 3rd and long and they're outside field goal range.
Paul: Now Masoli runs around for an hour and throws it right?
Joe: And there's that awful screen play. They fumbled again, but he was called down. I don't think they're going to call that a fumble.
Paul: Um, that seems pretty cut and dried.
Joe: But really, let's mull it over for the next two minutes.
Paul: Official review to talk about how bad Cal bit on that screen pass.
Joe: Let's really marinate in this missed opportunity throughout the course of a nice commercial break!

Paul: Your rollover minutes might be good as new, but this commercial isn't.

Joe: And we're back to the game where the ruling on the field is confirmed.
Paul: 2nd and 5 Oregon at the Cal 20. 1st and 10 on the encroachment penalty! Nice. No time off the clock. Let's make this misery last as long as possible.
(2:40 PM) 
Joe: This game is like falling down stairs that never end.
That Duck got freakin' blasted! That was a good play.
Paul: Another fumble recovered by Oregon!
Joe: Even though the fumble went their way, I like seeing that happen to Massoli. Man, I bet that felt great to that Cal defender.
OH WOW! Another big hit. The announcer says "And that can't be a good feeling." What insight! He probably knows that because he played football.
Paul: Way to stay in your lanes people.
Joe: 2nd and goal. Easy touchdown.
Paul: What was Kendricks doing there? Just watched the guy walk past him.
Joe: 32 - 3, Oregon. We're in blowout territory halfway through the third quarter.
Paul: It's officially a blowout. The question now is how many injuries we will sustain for our USC game next week
Joe: Which is now a totally irrelevant game. Or maybe we're just a totally irrelevant team, and it's a highly relevant game.
Paul: Yeah, this season is ova, like clover. Over like slutty eggs.
Joe: These mopey thoughts are brought to you by Cal's offense, because they have nothing better to do, *sobs.*
Paul: "Over easy" get it? I’m reaching for funny from a place of endless woe. I think I’m missing as bad as a Riley pass. Vereen takes a knee in the end zone on the kickoff. My shirt comes off. Looking for the rally shirt.
Joe: I'm going to pour beer directly in my eyes.
Paul: A good Cal play on offense is negated by a holding call. No, it's offsides! And we refuse the penalty!
Joe: AGH, beer is in my EYES.
We finally ran a screen play! Go beers!
Paul: We crossed midfield, that means that now we stall.
Joe: "The aggressiveness of this Oregon defense is gonna keep comin'," says the broadcaster.
Riley loses composure, throws the ball away.
Paul: Riley had a wide open receiver and missed him.
Joe: I think my eyes need more beer, this still looks terrible. I like your call about crossing midfield though, it's so true!
Paul: What’s with the Oregon crowd? Do they have to mock us by pretending to thrust very large imaginary cylindrical objects in their mouths with both hands?
Joe: Hey, let's go for it on fourth down.
(2:50 PM) 
Paul: ANGER time!
Joe: We finally downed a punt inside their five! That means they'll have to drive a whole 96 yards to hurt us again. I can't wait.
Paul: What did I say about midfield? What is with the utter predictability of this game?
Joe: You said it, I read it.
Paul: Well, at least Oregon feels good. Maybe I should switch allegiances. That will make me feel better.
Joe: I gotta check the ESPN box score to see what Riley's stats are, or lack thereof.
Paul: I mean, really, what has Cal ever done for me. Besides the degree, I mean.
Joe: 9/23 for a 111 yards! If he misses four more he's all the way down to 33%!
Paul: That's something to root for!
Joe: Im not sure he'll get the chance.
Paul: Chip Kelly's nipples are happy and dancing. I think we're still in this game. I see players on the field, and I think they are Cal players.
Joe: We're only 5 scores behind!
Paul: That's a false start. 3rd and 6…and 1st down Massoli to Davis.
Okay, so what do I take for depression? Prozac and whiskey?
Abilify and uncontrollable muscle twitch?
(2:58 PM) 
Joe: I cringe on our good plays, because they all seem to set up terrible plays.
Paul: Hey, there's an 8 yard pass on the run from Massoli.
Joe: Hey, touchdown. Now we're getting completely destroyed.
Paul: Can we forfeit now? Everyone bit on that screen. This might be the worst game I have ever watched Cal play. And I was watching during the 1-10 season.
Joe: This is even worse than the Texas Tech bowl.
Paul: Okay, every play that isn't a TD for Oregon is a win from now on. And hey, at least we don't have to worry about our terrible kickers!
Joe: I know, thank god, right?
Kicking is *bitter, wracking sobs*

Paul: That's the bright spot--we got our horrible kickoff coverage fixed. Not in the way we probably wanted, but it got DONE.
Joe: Yeah, we're fixed alright. At this point, something really embarrassing needs to happen.
Paul: Pants off dance off?
(3:05 PM)  
Joe: I think so! Another nice screen call by the Cal offense.
Paul: I love how we call screens into man coverage, they call screens into blitzes.
Joe: Screens are brilliant when you're down six scores. Lets dink and dunk some more! Well, the good thing about this game is that we can just shelve Kevin Riley. I mean, there's no reason for him to play ever again, right?
Paul: Nope. But he had a good run. His passing, on the other hand…
Joe: An upcoming movie is titled "I Hope they Serve Beer in Hell."
This football game is proof that indeed, beer is served in hell. Hmm, and so are tamales and eggs. This lunch is brought to me by my lovely fiancé! That's a victory for the Bears!
Paul: Roll on You Lunch!
Joe: Eating lunch at the end of this game will be way better than having it at the beginning.
Paul: That ref quit, he couldn't deal with the massacre.
Joe: He was like "I am no longer needed here!" Hey, I think they're gonna punt!
Paul: "Put some perspective on what you've seen" The announcer says. The wider perspective is that football is a stupid game that tricked me into caring.
(3:12 PM) 
Joe: Yeah, this game defies relativity and perspective. It's a turd fractal. Have you ever been dumped and cried about it in the shower?
There's going to be a whole, entire football team crying in the shower after this game.
Paul: The Cure on the flight back.
Joe: Yep. Hey, there's another Verran Tucker drop.
Paul: Oh my, I thought that was a good play for a second.
Joe: I thought that I heard you laughing…
Paul: Then Tucker realized he was a Bear, and was like, what am I supposed to do with this thing?
Joe: I think I thought I sawwww youuu tryyyy!
Paul: OK Sweeny time!
Joe: It's fourth down, but why punt? Ugh, why not…
Paul: Why play?
Joe: Yeah, we're Berkeley! We should protest! Just lie down on the field.
Paul: Ok, I think I'm over the game now. It was tough at first, but I can accept it now.
Joe: Yeah, I've gone through all five stages of losing, too: Losing, drinking, drinking, crying, drinking!
Paul: Now, channel surfing.
Joe: I am drinking!
(3:19 PM) 
Paul: Wow, let's hire that guy--Oregon's backup QB makes a huge 20 yard throw.
And then he runs for 6.
Joe: Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all the drinking in here!
Paul: Their backup offense is better than our first team. Oh great, they fumbled. Now we have to play offense again.
Joe: Im rooting for the commercials now. Yeah Extreme Makover Home Edition! You go! Don't let me down and completely destroy someone's home while they look on, helpless. Because that would be a terrible show. Who would watch that?
Paul: Hey, there was a challenge of the fumble and it was ruled in favor of Oregon!
Joe: Another fumble we don't recover. Is that the 10th?
Paul: But Oregon has to punt anyway! And now another opportunity to show how mediocre we are!
Joe: Hey, they converted a 4th down! Im not super unhappy about that! Im numb! Thanks beer!
(3:26 PM) 
Paul: The game will be over sooner if Oregon has the ball.
Joe: It's like when you can tell the dentist is removing your teeth, but you don't really feel it. You just hear it! See, this is fine! I'm fine! I love comparing Cal games to dentistry.
It's why I watch.

My cats are fighting, I am tempted to join them. That is a contest I will win. I think. But what if I were upset, and my cats gained the upper hand? I'm not sure I could handle that, psychologically speaking.

Paul: No don't, it doesn't look good. They will run screen passes on your face. Oregon runs another screen for first down. I'm sending an invoice to Tedford. For a proper shirt with real supernatural football powers.
Joe: I hate Chip Kelly like I would hate Teddy Ruckspin if he were the other team's coach.
Paul: That ref sounds just like Kermit the Frog!
Joe: Apparently it is pretty easy being green. Being blue sucks.

Paul: Hey hey hey, I just figured out what to like about this!
Joe: Oh yeah?
Paul: If they run up the score on us, we might punch them!
Joe: It won't be Kevin Riley. He can't hit anything.
(3:30 PM) 
Paul: That's a sack!
Joe: My fear is that Oregon's whole team will just decide to beat Jahvid Best about the legs, breaking them. And no one will be able to do anything. Our whole team will just cry and run.
Hey, they scored a field goal!
Paul: That goes in the win column! It's not a TD!
Joe: Their cheerleaders go in the loss column. HAW! Take THAT!
Paul: They have webbed toes. For swimming.
Joe: Why are people calling me? Why does anyone think I want to speak about this?
"Wow, Cal is getting stomped. Lets call Joe and get his reaction!"
Paul: I know, I've got a ton of text messages that I won't answer.
Joe: Wait for the live blog, dad!
(3:33 PM) 
Paul: This is a time for private mourning. Doesn't anyone see that the corpse isn't quite dead yet?
And Riley, resurrecting the ghost of Ayoob, throws the ball into the ground.
Joe: I bet Kevin Riley rocks at skipping stones. He's skipping balls all over the field.

Paul: Let's punt on third down. They won't see it coming.
Joe: How many incompletions did Riley throw in that series? Did he somehow throw 5 in one three and out?
Paul: Oh, the Bears cross mid-field. And here is another ludicrous throw by Riley!
(3:36 PM) 
Joe: Oh, this drive is still happening. Like a nightmare you think you've awoken from, only to find that your feet are still made of chocolate. Delicious chocolate.
Riley is sacked.
Paul: Why oh why did ABC cover this game instead of Miami-FSU. Wow, another sack.
Joe: This commercial about a lost dog really captures how I feel. Where is our offense, has anyone seen our offense!?
Paul: This is like taking your car to get the oil changed, and them telling you that you have a dead body in the trunk and blood all over your face and they've called the police.
Joe: I hate it when that happens!
Paul: This Olive Garden commercial is a lot like this game. The guy thinks he knows what he's going to get. And then "neverending Oregon spanking" is there on the menu. Hey, maybe I'll have that!
Joe: Yeah, the chef dropped our offense on the floor, but served it anyway.
Paul: The announcers are kinda getting loopy now--they realize no one is watching. Is anyone still reading this? Did anyone start?
Joe: I wonder if we'll even be ranked after this? I feel like we shouldn't be.
Paul: Does it matter?
Joe: No, that's why it's kind of perverse.

Paul: In my eyes, we're always number 1.
Joe: We look like number 2 to me.
(3:42 PM) 
Hey, we have the ball! Our backup QB Beau Sweeney is in!
Paul: Beau Sweeny!
Joe: Woohoo!
Paul: He handed that ball off with authority!
Joe: That's something to feel kind of good about!
Paul: I smell comeback!

Joe: He got a first down! Minor victories people.
Paul: Yes, but we are still in our territory.
Joe: Okay, that errant throw isn't anything Riley wouldn't have done.
Paul: Oh my! That was a bad throw, wasn't it?
(3:44 PM) 
Joe: Wow, the fat girl dancing section is pumped up!
Paul: OMG is that the fat camp cheerleading squad?
Joe: That was like a school of whales.
Paul: I think a school of whales is actually called . . . what is it again?
Joe: A pod! They were pod-like people.
Paul: That could fuel an entire Pacific Life commercial! This game is almost over!

Joe: Sweeney gets hit hard in the head after tucking the ball and running. That's a good habit to get into early, running head first as a quarterback. We need to teach Riley that technique.
Paul: Okay, big third down, we need this…and we get it! It looks so easy now that Oregon has left for the post-game parties!
Joe: Sweeney has a really long throwing motion. Reminds me of Byron Leftwich.
(3:50 PM) 
Paul: That's the way to end the game! With a sack!
Joe: Oregon 42, Cal 3.
I think we managed to make something incredibly tragic and degrading into something kind of funny, and tragic and degrading.

I also think the USC game might be worth trying to blog. The crying game continues!
Paul: Man, that made me remember why it feels so good to win. Duck duck lose. That's a good title.
Joe: I could like, go fall down a hill on my bike and it would be the high point of my day so far.
Paul: I think I'm going to puncture my eardrum with a toothpick. I knew we were going to lose to Oregon. I think I always knew it in my soul. That spread option inside zone is just too complicated. Like trying to solve a calculus problem when you’re stoned, five years old, and a cat.
(3:58 PM) 
Joe: I'm gonna go sit in a corner and relive sad episodes from my childhood to cheer myself up. Go, uh, go beers.
Paul: Like that time when daddy got drunk, and thought your bed was the toilet. And you had to wake up to. . .
Joe: Dude! That almost happened at PAX (The Penny Arcade Expo, a video game festival in Seattle)! I had a few too many beers, and got out of bed at 4:30 in the morning.
And it kind of woke Morgan (my fiancé) up.
And she dimly saw me walk toward the curtains in the hotel room.
And then she saw me walk behind them.
And I got stuck.
And bounced around in there for a minute.
And then I finally got out and walked over to a big chair.
And brushed the hair out of my belly button and Morgan knows what that means, so she said "Joe!"
Paul: Elaborate?
Joe: "Joe wtf are you doing?!"
And I was like "Mmm?"
So she said, "You need to go to the bathroom!"
And I said "Yuh."
So then I walked over to the bed and stood over it and brushed my belly button again.
And she was like "NOOO!" So she jumped up and grabbed me and pushed me into the bathroom in front of the toilet, where I guess I peed, and then she put me in bed.
I never woke up.
Paul: That's a keeper right there.
Joe: She's the best girl ever! But the thing is, when I pee my belly button implodes. Like, if you suck your lips in, that's kinda what happens.
Paul: That makes no sense to me!
(4:03 PM) 
Joe: it goes from normal looking to a tight sphincter. And it pulls my happy trail in with it. So whenever I pee, I have to brush the hair out of my belly button, to keep it from eating it.
And when she saw me brush my belly button, Morgan knew what was up.
Paul: I'm sure it hates getting a mouthful of happy trail.
Joe: You wouldn't know from the way it acts.
It's voracious!
(4:04 PM) 
Paul: This btw, must go into the blog.
Joe: And so it does! Well, that's it for Professor Paul and I. And that is definitely it for the Bears' season, too. So long everyone, and happy trails.


  1. Hey Cal clowns, Meet me at the Rose bowl in Pa Sa De Na and I'll serve this LAME post and you the personel beating your looking for. I WILL be at the game regardless who the Ducks will be playin,I stay in LA during the winters in DelRey and will be lookin 4 ya with pleasure

  2. That is still one of the funniest things I have ever read. Too bad it turned into a one and done thing.