Notes on Pokemon Platinum Version

I have to play a ton of Pokemon Platinum Version today for a review that's due tomorrow. Pokemon games are always easy, fun, and full of awesome puns. And of course, underlying it all is the fact that you're a little kid who catches animals and then trains them to kill.

In case you don't know about the Poke-nominon, I'll try to put it in the simplest possible terms:

In the 1990s there was a cute, friendly video game called Pokemon. Then someone fed it after midnight, and it exploded into a cash devouring, merchandise spewing monster apocalypse.

The face of Pokemon used to be the mogwai-cute Pikachu. But the beast on the front of Pokemon Platinum is anything but cuddly or furry: it looks infectious, like something you might catch at Jack In The Box. Undercooked Turkey Burger, why did I choose you?!

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The back of the box is Pokemon as I know it. There are two anime kids posing in silly clothes, and beneath them a baby penguin, monkey and turtle frolic. But like all baby animals, they play with a purpose. For someday their game will be one of life and death.

And that day is today. So let's play Pokemon Platinum Edition, and put the pedal to the precious metal.

*Opens game box and removes small, black plastic game cartridge*

Wow. Platinum Version. It just hit me. It's not just a title, it's a sales projection!

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The intro gets off to a normal start with crazy music, a few glimpses of the game world and then some monsters, such as a dinosaur with a tree growing out of its back. I wonder if there will be a T-Rex with an axe growing out of its back, or a chainsaw? Only one way to find out:

I press start!

The game greets me with "Hello there! It's so very nice to meet you!" Oh, it's an old scientist, and he's talking to me! He says his name is "Rowan," but everyone just calls him the "Pokemon Professor"…for short.

He says a lot of cute and innocent sounding stuff about how humans and Pokemons are friends. Then he briefly explains how to trap pokemon in balls and force them to maim other animals. You know, regular friend stuff. He also mentions that he's a researcher who studies Pokemon. I guess that explains the tree growing out of that dinosaur's back.

Then he asks "Why don't you tell me about yourself? Are you a boy? Or a girl?"

Wow, I haven't been asked that question since little league. Jerk.

Oh wait, my gender is indeterminate. I have to decide whether I'm a dapper Japanese boy with a beret and a scarf, or a saucy little Japanese girl in a scarf and a skirt.

What a choice! I mean, I've been a boy my whole life and it's been cool. But maybe being a girl kicks butt, too.

Except you don't want to be a nubile female in a Japanese video game. That's worse than a death sentence. The only thing the Japanese are crueler to than animals are little girls. If you don't play video games, read manga, or watch anime, you should know that pure, innocent girls always get fucked up. That's because no wicked deed is worse than one committed against something cute, good, and helpless. So every Japanese artist, writer and game designer has to have his gay, white haired villain either fuck, stab or desecrate a little girl to prove how bad he is. And I know for a fact that there's a white haired villain in this game. And monsters with tentacles. Domo, but NO.

Boy parts, I choose you!

Now I have to name myself. I'm wearing what looks like a raspberry beret, so I think I'll be Prince! He fits right into the anime aesthetic.

Now the scientist is introducing me to a friend I didn't even know I had. And I have to name him? That sucks! Oh well, welcome to the world, Jesus. It looks like I'm rolling with you. I hope you like hurting animals.

Well, it's 1am and the review copy for this game is due today. And I just spent like five hours writing about the first fifteen minutes. So, I'm going to have to bust ass and play the crap out of this without trying to make fun of every little detail.

But I hope you enjoyed these notes. Making fun of video games is one of my favorite things to do, and it's a pleasure to be able to do it for friends.