Notes on Pokemon Platinum Version

I have to play a ton of Pokemon Platinum Version today for a review that's due tomorrow. Pokemon games are always easy, fun, and full of awesome puns. And of course, underlying it all is the fact that you're a little kid who catches animals and then trains them to kill.

In case you don't know about the Poke-nominon, I'll try to put it in the simplest possible terms:

In the 1990s there was a cute, friendly video game called Pokemon. Then someone fed it after midnight, and it exploded into a cash devouring, merchandise spewing monster apocalypse.

The face of Pokemon used to be the mogwai-cute Pikachu. But the beast on the front of Pokemon Platinum is anything but cuddly or furry: it looks infectious, like something you might catch at Jack In The Box. Undercooked Turkey Burger, why did I choose you?!

--

The back of the box is Pokemon as I know it. There are two anime kids posing in silly clothes, and beneath them a baby penguin, monkey and turtle frolic. But like all baby animals, they play with a purpose. For someday their game will be one of life and death.

And that day is today. So let's play Pokemon Platinum Edition, and put the pedal to the precious metal.

*Opens game box and removes small, black plastic game cartridge*

Wow. Platinum Version. It just hit me. It's not just a title, it's a sales projection!

--

The intro gets off to a normal start with crazy music, a few glimpses of the game world and then some monsters, such as a dinosaur with a tree growing out of its back. I wonder if there will be a T-Rex with an axe growing out of its back, or a chainsaw? Only one way to find out:

I press start!

The game greets me with "Hello there! It's so very nice to meet you!" Oh, it's an old scientist, and he's talking to me! He says his name is "Rowan," but everyone just calls him the "Pokemon Professor"…for short.

He says a lot of cute and innocent sounding stuff about how humans and Pokemons are friends. Then he briefly explains how to trap pokemon in balls and force them to maim other animals. You know, regular friend stuff. He also mentions that he's a researcher who studies Pokemon. I guess that explains the tree growing out of that dinosaur's back.

Then he asks "Why don't you tell me about yourself? Are you a boy? Or a girl?"

Wow, I haven't been asked that question since little league. Jerk.

Oh wait, my gender is indeterminate. I have to decide whether I'm a dapper Japanese boy with a beret and a scarf, or a saucy little Japanese girl in a scarf and a skirt.

What a choice! I mean, I've been a boy my whole life and it's been cool. But maybe being a girl kicks butt, too.

Except you don't want to be a nubile female in a Japanese video game. That's worse than a death sentence. The only thing the Japanese are crueler to than animals are little girls. If you don't play video games, read manga, or watch anime, you should know that pure, innocent girls always get fucked up. That's because no wicked deed is worse than one committed against something cute, good, and helpless. So every Japanese artist, writer and game designer has to have his gay, white haired villain either fuck, stab or desecrate a little girl to prove how bad he is. And I know for a fact that there's a white haired villain in this game. And monsters with tentacles. Domo, but NO.

Boy parts, I choose you!

Now I have to name myself. I'm wearing what looks like a raspberry beret, so I think I'll be Prince! He fits right into the anime aesthetic.

Now the scientist is introducing me to a friend I didn't even know I had. And I have to name him? That sucks! Oh well, welcome to the world, Jesus. It looks like I'm rolling with you. I hope you like hurting animals.

Well, it's 1am and the review copy for this game is due today. And I just spent like five hours writing about the first fifteen minutes. So, I'm going to have to bust ass and play the crap out of this without trying to make fun of every little detail.

But I hope you enjoyed these notes. Making fun of video games is one of my favorite things to do, and it's a pleasure to be able to do it for friends.

Don't Try This At Home...Or Anywhere Else

I've come to a conclusion: Don't walk your cat.

Cat walking is something that has to be taken seriously if you're going to do it right, and it's impossible to take seriously. 

This whole time, I've been acting like I was in a Chevy Chase movie, while my cat has been starring in No Country For Old Men. The point of this exercise is to get him to lose weight, because I thought his obesity represented a slight threat to his life. So ironically, I took him outside and exposed him to a whole world of threats and perils. It's like every tree, bush, car and especially bicyclist has Anton Chigur's haircut.

Anyway, today we took Gizmo for his second cat walk. We carried him to a fairly secluded grassy area and let him sniff around. No bicyclists happened by, and nothing really scary happened. Gizmo chilled in the shade for about 15 minutes, and then we carried him home.

It seems like the only way catwalking can provide him with real exercise is if something goes horribly wrong; i.e. he gets loose and sprints around the apartment grounds while I frantically try to catch him. If everything goes right, he sits in the shade while we occasionally feed him snacks.

If you're going to walk your cat, you have to take a smart, careful, considerate approach. And if you're really that smart, careful and considerate, you probably won't try something as stupid as walking your cat on a leash.

Cat Walking Is Dangerous!

So, I got the harness, got the leash, and I already had a cat.

Put harness on cat indoors, instant comedy. Cat tried to back out of the harness, but it was strapped to him! lol Left harness on cat for several hours to try and acclimate him to it. Didn't really work.

Decided, WTH, let's take the cat outside! He seems ready!

Morgan got a bag full of snacks, I put on a heavy coat, and we put the leash on Gizmo. First stop, our front step. He looked scared, wanted to go back in side. That's a good sign right?

Then we decided to take him down to the grass behind our apartment building. When I picked him up and carried him down the stairs he was trembling.

Got downstairs and put Gizmo down on the ground. This was his first time outside in over a year! Woohoo! After a couple awkward encounters with the end of the leash, Gizmo and I finally set off down the sidewalk. We were walking! This was it!

Morgan and her friend Grace stayed behind about 30 yards and were chatting, when I heard Morgan yell, "Bike!"

I could see the bicyclist coming, so I moved Gizmo out of his path, but not too far. I thought, "Gizmo will see the bicyclist and be scared, but then he'll get over it, and that will be one more step toward him being a happy leash cat!"

When the bicycle was upon us, Gizmo tensed, though he couldn't see what was coming.

When the bicycle flew past, Gizmo went into another dimension of speed and violence. He was like the Flash. One moment he was sitting in front of me, wide eyed, the next he was gone!

When I turned around, he was helicoptering at the end of the leash three feet off the ground! Oh my!

When he landed, he sprinted in a wide arc around me, then leapt again at the end of the leash. Except this time, magic happened. 

Time slowed down, and as he leaped into the air he turned toward me, ducked his head, and presto, the harness came off!

Ta-Da!

And then Gizmo bolted.

This is when my silly fantasy turned into the beginning of a nightmare. Gizmo was loose, terrified, and running wild at an apartment complex where coyotes roam.

Fortunately, Gizmo is a cat who wants to be comforted, and he trusts us. He didn't run far before turning and meowing at us all plaintively. Then he hid in some bushes and waited for us to come get him. 

We gathered him up, cooed at him, told him he was good, and took him home.

So after one cat walk, I have come up with two conclusions. One, it's freaking dangerous. Anything that moves fast will freak your cat out. And if your cat freaks out, he can and probably will get loose. The key is to walk your cat in a space without much traffic, and where you can see problems approaching before they're right on top of you. 

And two, it's great exercise! I haven't seen Gizmo move like that...ever! He burned some serious carbs, and maybe one of his lives. We're about to take him for his second walk. Hopefully we will all live to tell about it.

On the Cat Walk

Today I bought a harness and a leash for my cat, Gizmo, so that I can take him on walks. You see, Gizmo needs to lose weight. He used to be able to run around outside when we lived in Oakland, but since we moved down to Southern Californa, he's been a strictly indoor cat. And this made him super fat. At one point he was 23 pounds.

And then he came down with diabetic symptoms. One day his little pancreas just threw its little hands up and said "You process the sugar! I'm going to sleep." We had to enforce a strict diet and inject him with insulin twice a day to convince his little organ to get back to work. 

But Gizmo is still a fat cat who whines for food when he isn't sleeping off a huge meal. He needs exercise and excitement. And by god, I just bought both.

Unfortunately, I bought a small dog harness without even looking to see if the nearby Petco had cat harnesses. I also bought one of those retractable leashes with about 16 feet of give so that, when we finally do get Gizmo outside, he'll have some room to roam.

Despite my oversight, the small dog harness works. It may not be super comfortable, but the important part is that he can't get it off. Taking Gizmo outside and then having him  slip the harness and disappear in the bushes would be a nightmare because the apartment complex that Morgan and I live in is a prowling ground for coyotes.