Cal Bears vs Oregon Ducks Live Football Blog!

Welcome to our first annual and first ever Cal vs Oregon football live blog! Your hosts for this event will be Joe Dodson and Professor Paul XXXX, two wildly funny and handsome Cal football fans. But enough about us, let's watch Cal beat the ever loving crap out of Organ!

Paul and I will be co-live blogging this game with the assistance of Gchat, Google's handy-dandy-saveseverythingsothepolicewon'thavetolookfar-chat service! But Paul isn't online yet, so allow me to make a few observations until he logs on.

When I flip over to ABC, the broadcasters promise that some of us will get to see Jeremiah Massoli! Even Oregon fans don't want to see him, who does ABC think they're appealing to? I suspect Cal fans are probably looking forward to seeing Massoli the most, especially his signature "Throw the ball to the wrong team" move, and his incredible "25% of my passes are on target 100% of the time" stat.

(12:34 PM) 
Paul: Hey, we going to do this thing?

Joe: Let's do it!!
 
Paul: Okay, I'm going to try to eat Trader Joe's tamales while doing this. I may be late to the show. . .
 
Joe: Those Tamales are awesome! Maybe someday we will be sponsored by them.

Both Oregon and Cal think they have realistic chances of getting to the Rose Bowl. Hopefully only Oregon is deluded.  

My fiance just came in and asked me how many days are in a year. That's random.
 
Paul: Mac commercials: making Mac fans look like toolbags for two years now.

Joe: Yeah, Mac people grow horrible mustaches. I know, I'm typing this on a Mac.
 
Paul: The broadcast analyst says Jahvid Best "tests defenses with his feet." I test pool water with my feet.
 
Joe: Here comes the kickoff, and we're off!
  
OH! $#%&!
  
After an Oregon player fielded the kickoff, he was completely destroyed by the tackle of a Cal player, and it's Cal football?! Wow, our guy looked like he decapitated himself delivering that shot.
 
Paul: That's Sofele, is he going to puke?
 
Joe: I don't know, where is his head, can anyone see it?
   
Paul: Is it ok to sacrifice a player for a turnover? How many players do we have?

(12:38 PM) 
Joe: Oregon challenges the fumble. But that ball is out. And that hit was two inches from changing that Duck player's life. Sofele's helmet probably hit his upper quad at about 40 miles per hour, just to the left of center.
  
Paul: Riley almost fumbles it back to Oregon!
 
Joe: Yikes, third and 18.
 
Paul: Riley incomplete down the right side. 3 pass plays, 3 and out.
 
Joe: If only we had an awesome running back we could turn to.
  
Wow, we hit a field goal. This game is full of surprises! Take that, Ducks!

Paul: That defender was described as an "awesome specimen"--I love that phrase. Makes me think that he would be the first picked by the alien abductors in lab coats.
 
Joe: Quick, place him in the ethanol!
 
Paul: Southwest: we're just awesome! And modest.
 
Joe: Southwest: "Frequent flights on time!" We can't find our grammar, or your luggage.

(12:45 PM) 
Paul: That kickoff looked like a regular football play. By football teams who play football.
 
Joe: Lagarrett Blount is out. LaMichael is in. Hmm, Massoli completed a pass.
 
Paul: A shot of an Oregon player sitting with his knee wrapped in reddening ice. The announcer asks "Is it the knee or Chip Kelly saying sit out?" I would say all the knee is saying is "BLOOD! I'M VOMITING BLOOD!"
 
Joe: Wow, Massoli almost completed an interception. Syd'Quan Thompson reminds me of Rick James. He has swishy, fabulous posture.
  
And that Duck drive lasted one Syd'Quan observation.
 
Paul: I'm thinking pirate. He's Jack Sparrow. He should be good against waterfowl.
 
Joe: My fiance just came in and said I have a rash. But what does she know, she thinks there are 567 days in a year now.
 
Paul: We should talk about this rash thing later--football now.
  
Joe: And the Ducks kick off to the Bears, who manage a decent return. But hold on, there's a flag.
  
Ah, yeah, that was a clear block in the back on Oregon. 15 yards on top of a solid return, take that Oregon!

Cal changes the formation at the line, and Best runs for an hour to pick up 4. That was like Toad's Wild Ride.

After three straight handoffs, the Bears pick up first down and change!
  
Hmm, what do you think they should call next?

Oh, the ugly incompletion play. I certainly wasn't expecting that.
   
Paul: Says a broadcaster, "You have to pick your poison, I would pick Kevin Riley" : Is it because he's slow acting, or because he doesn't cause gagging?
 
Joe: Riley in the gun…
  
FUCK! AGH

Tucker! BARGH!
 
Paul: He really slapped that well-thrown ball with both hands--got it out of the air in a hurry. And now Cal punts.
 
Joe: I feel like the name Anger is wasted on a punter. He does a lot with it, don't get me wrong.

Paul: I like the idea of angry punts--like "here, you want it back, FINE THEN, BUT ITS ANGRY!"
 
Joe: I wonder if he screams "ANGER" when he kicks it?
   
Paul: I always feel bad for the dopey white dj in the Dr. Pepper commercial. Like, what did he do to cause Dr. Dre to call him "Fool"?
  
Maybe people were having fun talking amongst themselves until Dre comes and forces them all to dance with his irresistible hip hop sense.

Joe: HOLY CAL!
 
Paul: Whoa!

(At this point, Oregon fumbled, Cal recovered, and then the Cal defender fumbled it back to Oregon)
 
Oh my lord, is that 4 fumbles in the game?
 
Joe: I was just about to make a Blount and Dre observation, about how Lagarette is the Blount that hits back.
  
But that double fumble burst my bubble!

Paul: That's some excellent play calling for Oregon--5 yards and a first down!
 
Joe: That is four fumbles in four minutes! And Lamichael is hurt! They're out of Larunning backs! What are they going to do now? Run for two, I guess.
 
Paul: What, no fumble? What is this nonsense? First down Oregon on a bubble screen.
 
Joe: I hate screen plays, because you can see them coming and there's nothing you can do. No play goes for seven as slowly as a screen.

And now they run a misdirection keeper to a sideways screen pass.
  
Paul: That's their inside zone play.
 
Joe: YES. The Cal defense makes a great play. Our guy chomped him like a crocodile and death rolled him down!

Paul: Chip Kelly is getting pissed again. And it's 3rd and long.
 
Joe: Wow, do you see the coach calling the play with his hands doing like a flapping duck wings thing? I wonder if he just does that on every single play?
  
Paul: Third and Eleven now.
 
Joe: Syd'Quan breaks up the play from his belly!

Paul: Go Sydquan! Ruin Joe's least favorite play! Now it's 4th and 4 and they are going for it!
  
Cal calls timeout. They want to watch some commercials before this big play.
 
Joe: This commercial break is brought to you by a trip to the bathroom. Who needs Flomax when you've had four cups of coffee?

Paul: Olive Garden: the home of never-ending everything! The never-ending glass of water was invented there, if you don't know.

Ok, Big 4th down
 
Joe: And we're back!
  
Big hits on that play, but a big gain for Oregon.
 
Paul: What do you know--screen pass for 8!
  
LaMichael James is back in.

That's what I like to see, Masoli throwing the ball for 0 yards
 
Joe: Massoli is my favorite Oregon player by far. Aside from Lagarette Blount.
 
Paul: He's my favorite Cal player by far. 3rd and 7.

Joe: Wow, this first down is brought to you by the Cal D line.
 
Paul: Way too much time on that Massoli completion--like the D line just sat down and had tea with the O line.

And now Masoli to the sideline for -4!
 
Joe: And now for another screen. Oh, or a run for -1!
 
Paul: James for -2 yards. 3rd and goal from the Cal 13.
 
Joe: This is reverse psychology. They're trying to alienate our defense by doing our work for us.
  
Paul: Massoli deflects his own pass!
 
Joe: Everyone in the crowd shrugs after that completely random Massoli pass. He just loves throwing the ball places, he doesn't seem to care where!
 
Paul: He was looking for a Cal defender to throw to, but decided not to risk a completion
 
Paul: Field Goal Oregon, bleh. And the game is tied at 3.
 
Joe: That's a pretty painless tie.
 
Paul: My wife wants to know who the most attractive football coach is.
 
Joe: Well it isn't Chip Kelly. He looks like how moms dress their kids for college football games.

And Vereen makes a huge sneaky runback!
 
Paul: Vereen all the way across midfield! Wow, we can't do the screen like they can. 2nd and 10.
 
Joe: Their screens go far, slowly. Ours go nowhere fast. And now for a handoff please!
 
Paul: Best for 4.
 
Joe: Phew, Best picks up about four, this should be a convertible third down.
  
Riley from the gun. Nice completion!
 
Paul: A completion! To Ross!
 
Joe: Jeremy Ross is our third down machine!
 
Paul: The thing about intangibles is that they always name them. But how could they, if they're intangible?!
 
Joe: Yeah, they need to dance around them verbally more.
 
Paul: Riley dances around for zero yards.
(1:12 PM) 
Joe: "He's got like a, you know...a whatchamacallit about him."
 
Paul: What Riley needs is more intangibility. Oh wow, that was a totally missed pass.
 
Joe: Yuck, what are these horrible plays? And so Cal punts.
  
Paul: That punt should have been downed on the two, but the guy in kick coverage got dizzy. Chip Kelly's nipples look aggravated.
 
Joe: So far this game has been all Ducks. And fumbles. And screens.
   
Paul: Lamichael runs for an Oregon first down. He had a huge hole, but tackled himself!
 
Joe: He really does it all. A complete player. Both offense and defense!
(1:16 PM) 
 
Paul: Facemask on the Cal defense!
 
Joe: That was nothing! He wiped his nose! And on first down Lamichael runs for la-first down. La-lame.
 
Paul: Massoli from the gun. Another screen! Hmm, the Oregon fans handsign looks an awful lot like something that rhymes with “tellatio.”
 
Joe: During this commercial break, I'm going to go ahead and call the rest of the drive: Three screens in a row, Massoli is hit, the ball his loose, the whole Cal team tramples his body on the way to the ball!
 
Paul: And then they knock it the whole way to the other endzone, but can't manage to pick it up (their feet are just so huge!)
(1:21 PM) 
Joe: And we're back to this thoroughly uninspiring game. Hey, Massoli throws for a touchdown. I'm ready for more commercials.
 
Paul: Fake screen for td! This game is lame, can we start over?
 
Joe: Fiance says "Their 11th man is making a big difference." I hate that guy 567 days a year!
 
Paul: Wow, they go for two and throw a screen!
 
Joe: Stupid Ducks. 11 - 3, Oregon over Cal.
 
Paul: There are more screens in this game than in a Best Buy.

Joe: And Vereen is the only Bear who is actually playing, great return on the kickoff!
 
Paul: Shane Vereen is our whole team right now--I didn't think that special teams would be our strong point.
 
Joe: A broken play for Best is a 5 yard gain. And we give the 5 back on a false start.
 
Paul: That's encroachment. NO NO NO! The defense was in the neutral zone! They were neutraling!
 
Joe: Why screw with completely flipping a play when things are so noisy?
  
Paul: Best is an awesome QB. The direct snap to him is an eeeeasy first down. He could have run that backward.
(1:26 PM)  
Joe: We hand it off to Best again. Oh wow, it REALLY didn't work that time.
 
Paul: They only had 10 people in the box there.
 
Joe: They know it's coming!
 
Paul: 2nd and 14. Screen?

Joe: Vereen gets blasted for about a 6 yard rushing gain.
 
Paul: What's that flag? Holding? Facemask! This game is playing like Simon Says.
  
Joe: Yes! Defensive pass interference in the endzone!
  
Paul: No, Unsportsmanlike conduct!
 
Joe: This might be Verran Tucker's second huge blown play in two drives.
  
Paul: 3 penalties on the play!
 
Joe: So, do we only offset one of theirs?
 
Paul: No we get the ball at the 17 I think.
 
Joe: Both penalties will be administered?
(1:30 PM) 
Tucker was all up in the DBs face, like "I ate your relatives for Christmas!"
 
Paul: “Imma call you Peking!”
 
Joe: 2nd and 12...come on Bears! And Best gets 1 on the direct snap.
  
We can't lose to people wearing helmets that look like they were purchased for 25 cents at a gumball machine.
 
Paul: Riley needs to get intangible on these quackheads.
 
Joe: Everyone goes in motion, and we run another of our terrible screen plays.
 
Paul: Screen for nothing.

Joe: We have slightly better screens than a Radio Shack.
 
Paul: And D'Amato misses the field goal.
 
Joe: Doh'mato.

Paul: Car Commercials: the purgatory of humor. Oh no! I hate these whale commercials! They make me feel so bad for using them to light our homes in the nineteenth century for so long! Our bad!

Back to the game, Massoli looks like he figured out which team he plays for.
 
Joe: This is my nightmare. Come on Cal!
 
Paul: Didn't we know this was going to happen?
 
Joe: Yes!
 
Paul: Fumble!
 
Joe: I knew that was going to happen! Fumble, Cal football! Mykhael Kendricks recovers! Or however you spell his name.
(1:36 PM) 
Paul: Ok, no yelling at the Ducks, people! Don't feed them either!
  
Oh my…
  
Simon Says…Fumble!
 
Joe: We fumble!?
 
Paul: What's the matter with the football?
 
Joe: And our first offensive turnover of the year is about as crappy and disappointing as any other turnover.

Paul: And Masoli is torching our defense. I smell fumble.
 
Joe: No, you smelled that business - a 25 yard rumble by Lamichael.
 
Paul: Well, there's always next year!

First down on the 2. And our defense looks as porous as an elite Magic Card game player.
 
Joe: Zing! And Glaven, they scored. The extra point is insipid, 18 - 3 Oregon over Cal.
(1:41 PM) 
This is the problem with live blogging football games you care about, Paul.
 
Paul: I feel like a normal Cal fan again. It was weird thinking that we might win.
 
Joe: Oh, I always think we'll beat Oregon. I mean, we almost beat them with Ayoob. We can beat them with anybody.
   
Two Cal players fumble and bumble the kickoff, then return it frantically to the 22 where every single Oregon player hits the ball carrier.
 
Paul: Best for 10!
 
Joe: Nice, Best charges through a hole on a fake pitch.
 
Paul: I think that was Peking on the tackle.
 
Joe: Feking duck. Best in motion - manages to gain four.
  
You know, it seems like we gain 4 on every run, and yet our offense has been completely stalling.
 
Paul: There was no fumble on that first down!
 
Joe: And we finally run a successful screen!
  
And then Riley throws a nice pitch and catch for another first down.
 
Paul: Let's stick our facemasks in their hands! Wow, Riley throws it 500 miles away.
 
Joe: The announcer says "I don't like the throwing decision by Riley." Like he decided "This one is going to be ridiculous!"
 
Paul: Vereen collapses on the line of scrimmage.
 
Joe: And now for another third and long.
  
Paul: Riley has completed like 3 passes, and this isn't one of them. Fourth down.
  
Angry punt coming at the Duck player, he catches it, and the game continues to suck.
(1:50 PM) 
Joe: I'd like to say that Buffalo Wild Wings commercials explains what's been happening in the Cal game, but the officiating hasn't really been a problem.

And even if the referee did ask a secret sports bar inside his replay booth what they thought, the Bears fans might say "Get this over with, I have a lawn to mow."
  
Hey, you know what would make this worse, a 40 yard Oregon running play. Oh look, there's one!

Paul: There is always someone open for Massoli. Ok, I'm so superstitious that I've changed my shirt.
  
I will start doing other strange things soon, until this game turns around.

Joe: I'm wearing a Dare shirt, so I know it's not the problem.
  
It's the solution.
  
It's also giving me a rash.
 
Paul: Alualu with a big stop on third down.
 
Joe: Skin conditions, my anti drug! Finally, an Oregon punt.

What a lazy duck of a punt! That went 10 whole yards!
 
Paul: Hey, my shirt is working! My shirt says eat it punt! I knew I shouldn't have been wearing that purple ringer T. Real bad shirting decision on me.

Joe: Im just looking forward to being drunk at 3pm in my Dare shirt.
  
Speaking of which, Best got smoked on that play!
 
Paul: 2nd and 8. I bet play action. Ah, Riley really owned that 3 yard pass.
 
Joe: And now for another third down. Best runs directly into a defender for a loss.
 
Paul: What was that? Why didn't they listen to my shirt? It said WIN!

Joe: We're mirroring everything they do, except the scoring part.
 
Paul: Simon says punt for 5 yards. Ugh. This is the strangest game ever.

Joe: The commentator says "Ya rarely see back to back five yard punts." Really doctor? You frequently see Massoli miss deep passes, which he does here on second down.
  
Oh wow, this is about to be 25 - 3.
 
Paul: 1st and goal Oregon. Cal cannot read the option at all. 2nd and goal.
 
Joe: I can't bear it!
(2:01 PM) 
Paul: Nobody can see the ball.
 
Joe: Nothing happened right there. Nothing to see here, folks!
 
Paul: The ball is intangible. But the touchdown Oregon just scored is not.
 
Joe: Our offense has forgotten what the ball looks like. It's a thing of legend for them.
 
Paul: Well, at least it's not close. This way I can get over the hangover during the loss. That commercial break was way too short. I need a bit more to get through this disaster.
 
Joe: I'm not quite finished banging my head against the coffee table.
  
Paul: Okay, just take it to halftime.
 
Joe: This defies amuzing analogy. I can't even spell amusing right now.
 
Paul: Run the clock out on this bloody sore of a game. What the hell Chip, really? You're going to call a timeout with 12 seconds left?
 
I think the Bears should sneak onto the bus at halftime and get out of there with the remaining tatters of pride they might still be clinging to.

Another car commerical, another 30 seconds of my life without a smile.
(2:09 PM) 
Yay halftime report--maybe other teams will be upset! Maybe no one will notice that Cal sucked a big waterfowl!

Florida State lost! Hey everybody, don't look at the Cal game--look at that Florida State loss!

Joe: I know what this calls for. This calls for beer! No one loses with beer!
 
Paul: Yup. But which beer? I don't have any beer called "Duckmeat."
 
Joe: He goes to the fridge, he opens the door, he pops the cap, score!!! My only fear is that I'll fumble six times and break all six bottles
  
It can happen.
  
I've seen it.
 
Paul: Why does it look so easy for every other team? But when Cal has the football it looks like they're straining on the crapper to lose?
 
Joe: We have fallen into the outhouse. The question now is, do we climb out? Or does this turn into the kind of 52 - 13 beating we've been inflicting on people?
 
Paul: I thought the question was whether we could set a record for copying every mistake the other team makes. If this were synchronized swimming, we'd be kicking ass.
 
Joe: Right, we'll have to see how that plays out in the second half
 
Paul: The way this goes is that we have to fumble the kickoff to them.
 
Joe: Everyone should be crying in this UC Berkeley commercial.
  
"You see confusion."
 
Paul: "UC a place where they pay their professors with IOUs." Maybe this ritual suicide on the football field is Tedford’s way of protesting the budget cuts?
 
Joe: "You don't see much offense."
  
And now the halftime commentator says, "The sleeping giant that is Chip Kelly's offense has awoken."
  
Not a line I wanted to hear at halftime.
(2:17 PM) 
Paul: Someone get that giant some lunesta. The kind with the butterfly that knocks you out then makes you sleep-drive your way into a ditch.
 
Okay there are two guys on the screen talking like they don't realize that Cal got murdered a few minutes ago. Shouldn't the police be called?
  
I mean, shouldn't there be more open weeping? I don't like the way they keep their feelings bottled up inside.
 
Joe: They were in on it, like prison guards. They're acting like it didn't happen, because "they didn't see anything. They didn't hear any high pitched screams."
 
Paul: We really need Penn State to lose to take the attention off of our embarrassment. I feel very exposed.
  
But you did watch the Miracle at Memorial right? Cal came back from 30 down in the final quarter.
 
Joe: I did see that. But that's the thing, it already happened.
 
Paul: Yeah, we kicked ass! We need to be happy about things that have already happened! Not distressed over certain beatdowns in the near future.
 
Joe: Maybe everyone will lose consciousness right before Cal gets really and truly stomped, and during that lapse they'll all see Penn State lose. It’s like a truly uninspired idea for an ABC drama! Coming this Fall!
  
We might even think we've won!
 
Paul: Ok, what went right for us in the past half? There was that time when that Duck player was bleeding from the knee.
 
Joe: Yes, Isi Sofele almost knocked his dick off.
(2:24 PM) 
Paul: And then that other time when the time ran out in the half.
 
Joe: Yeah, I loved that!
  
Kevin Riley completed a pass!
 
Paul: Oh I almost forgot about that pass. Savor that pass.
 
Joe: Oregon fans are not scary. Then again, neither are ours.
  
We're back for the second half. Wow, what a kickoff!
 
Paul: Tedford changed his shirt!
 
Joe: It'd be awesome if our whole team came out in different jerseys. Hey, that looks good!
 
Paul: Tucker on a 50 yard reception! I still don't feel optimistic. Tucker is hurt! Dislocated shoulder! S'okay, makes his arms longer.
  
Joe: And limper.
  
Wow, nice block Jahvid. I liked the falling down backwards and getting run over technique.
(2:30 PM) 
Paul: 4th and 10.
  
Joe: We're going for it! Aaaaaand we aren't even close!
 
Paul: I don't like this.

Joe: This is really not a huge departure from the first half.
  
To tell you the truth, it is awfully familiar.
 
Paul: Yeah, basically more of the same. Long drive for nothing.
 
Joe: At least our D is rested.
 
Paul: Hey that was good! There's a nice 5 yard loss for Oregon's O!
 
Now for the bad thing to happen . . .
 
Joe: Let's see whose shoulder on our D gets dislocated on this play. Oh, just a passing first down on the run by Assoli.
 
Paul: There is no way he would have made that pass a week ago. Three yard run. 2nd and 7. The announcers are making a big deal about the wind.
(2:33 PM) 
Joe: I hate the "tackle and then drag you backward for a three yard gain" move.
 
Paul: The wind is just blowing them down the field.
 
Joe: The wind isn't the only thing that's blowing
 
Paul: Inside zone for a 20 yard rushing play.
 
Joe: We're getting long duck donged.
 
Paul: Our D line is getting killed. The Ducks fumble, and recover it again.
 
Joe: 3rd and long and they're outside field goal range.
 
Paul: Now Masoli runs around for an hour and throws it right?
 
Joe: And there's that awful screen play. They fumbled again, but he was called down. I don't think they're going to call that a fumble.
 
Paul: Um, that seems pretty cut and dried.
 
Joe: But really, let's mull it over for the next two minutes.
 
Paul: Official review to talk about how bad Cal bit on that screen pass.
 
Joe: Let's really marinate in this missed opportunity throughout the course of a nice commercial break!

Paul: Your rollover minutes might be good as new, but this commercial isn't.

Joe: And we're back to the game where the ruling on the field is confirmed.
 
Paul: 2nd and 5 Oregon at the Cal 20. 1st and 10 on the encroachment penalty! Nice. No time off the clock. Let's make this misery last as long as possible.
(2:40 PM) 
Joe: This game is like falling down stairs that never end.
  
WOW!
  
That Duck got freakin' blasted! That was a good play.
 
Paul: Another fumble recovered by Oregon!
 
Joe: Even though the fumble went their way, I like seeing that happen to Massoli. Man, I bet that felt great to that Cal defender.
  
OH WOW! Another big hit. The announcer says "And that can't be a good feeling." What insight! He probably knows that because he played football.
 
Paul: Way to stay in your lanes people.
 
Joe: 2nd and goal. Easy touchdown.
 
Paul: What was Kendricks doing there? Just watched the guy walk past him.
 
Joe: 32 - 3, Oregon. We're in blowout territory halfway through the third quarter.
 
Paul: It's officially a blowout. The question now is how many injuries we will sustain for our USC game next week
 
Joe: Which is now a totally irrelevant game. Or maybe we're just a totally irrelevant team, and it's a highly relevant game.
 
Paul: Yeah, this season is ova, like clover. Over like slutty eggs.
 
Joe: These mopey thoughts are brought to you by Cal's offense, because they have nothing better to do, *sobs.*
 
Paul: "Over easy" get it? I’m reaching for funny from a place of endless woe. I think I’m missing as bad as a Riley pass. Vereen takes a knee in the end zone on the kickoff. My shirt comes off. Looking for the rally shirt.
 
Joe: I'm going to pour beer directly in my eyes.
 
Paul: A good Cal play on offense is negated by a holding call. No, it's offsides! And we refuse the penalty!
 
Joe: AGH, beer is in my EYES.
  
We finally ran a screen play! Go beers!
 
Paul: We crossed midfield, that means that now we stall.
 
Joe: "The aggressiveness of this Oregon defense is gonna keep comin'," says the broadcaster.
  
Riley loses composure, throws the ball away.
 
Paul: Riley had a wide open receiver and missed him.
 
Joe: I think my eyes need more beer, this still looks terrible. I like your call about crossing midfield though, it's so true!
 
Paul: What’s with the Oregon crowd? Do they have to mock us by pretending to thrust very large imaginary cylindrical objects in their mouths with both hands?
 
Joe: Hey, let's go for it on fourth down.
(2:50 PM) 
Paul: ANGER time!
 
Joe: We finally downed a punt inside their five! That means they'll have to drive a whole 96 yards to hurt us again. I can't wait.
 
Paul: What did I say about midfield? What is with the utter predictability of this game?
 
Joe: You said it, I read it.
 
Paul: Well, at least Oregon feels good. Maybe I should switch allegiances. That will make me feel better.
 
Joe: I gotta check the ESPN box score to see what Riley's stats are, or lack thereof.
 
Paul: I mean, really, what has Cal ever done for me. Besides the degree, I mean.
 
Joe: 9/23 for a 111 yards! If he misses four more he's all the way down to 33%!
 
Paul: That's something to root for!
 
Joe: Im not sure he'll get the chance.
   
Paul: Chip Kelly's nipples are happy and dancing. I think we're still in this game. I see players on the field, and I think they are Cal players.
 
Joe: We're only 5 scores behind!
 
Paul: That's a false start. 3rd and 6…and 1st down Massoli to Davis.
  
Okay, so what do I take for depression? Prozac and whiskey?
  
Abilify and uncontrollable muscle twitch?
(2:58 PM) 
Joe: I cringe on our good plays, because they all seem to set up terrible plays.
 
Paul: Hey, there's an 8 yard pass on the run from Massoli.
 
Joe: Hey, touchdown. Now we're getting completely destroyed.
 
Paul: Can we forfeit now? Everyone bit on that screen. This might be the worst game I have ever watched Cal play. And I was watching during the 1-10 season.
 
Joe: This is even worse than the Texas Tech bowl.
 
Paul: Okay, every play that isn't a TD for Oregon is a win from now on. And hey, at least we don't have to worry about our terrible kickers!
 
Joe: I know, thank god, right?
  
Kicking is for....winners. *bitter, wracking sobs*

Paul: That's the bright spot--we got our horrible kickoff coverage fixed. Not in the way we probably wanted, but it got DONE.
 
Joe: Yeah, we're fixed alright. At this point, something really embarrassing needs to happen.
 
Paul: Pants off dance off?
(3:05 PM)  
Joe: I think so! Another nice screen call by the Cal offense.
 
Paul: I love how we call screens into man coverage, they call screens into blitzes.
 
Joe: Screens are brilliant when you're down six scores. Lets dink and dunk some more! Well, the good thing about this game is that we can just shelve Kevin Riley. I mean, there's no reason for him to play ever again, right?
 
Paul: Nope. But he had a good run. His passing, on the other hand…
 
Joe: An upcoming movie is titled "I Hope they Serve Beer in Hell."
  
This football game is proof that indeed, beer is served in hell. Hmm, and so are tamales and eggs. This lunch is brought to me by my lovely fiancé! That's a victory for the Bears!
 
Paul: Roll on You Lunch!
 
Joe: Eating lunch at the end of this game will be way better than having it at the beginning.
 
Paul: That ref quit, he couldn't deal with the massacre.
 
Joe: He was like "I am no longer needed here!" Hey, I think they're gonna punt!
 
Paul: "Put some perspective on what you've seen" The announcer says. The wider perspective is that football is a stupid game that tricked me into caring.
(3:12 PM) 
Joe: Yeah, this game defies relativity and perspective. It's a turd fractal. Have you ever been dumped and cried about it in the shower?
 
There's going to be a whole, entire football team crying in the shower after this game.
 
Paul: The Cure on the flight back.
 
Joe: Yep. Hey, there's another Verran Tucker drop.
 
Paul: Oh my, I thought that was a good play for a second.
 
Joe: I thought that I heard you laughing…
 
Paul: Then Tucker realized he was a Bear, and was like, what am I supposed to do with this thing?
 
Joe: I think I thought I sawwww youuu tryyyy!
  
Paul: OK Sweeny time!
 
Joe: It's fourth down, but why punt? Ugh, why not…
 
Paul: Why play?
 
Joe: Yeah, we're Berkeley! We should protest! Just lie down on the field.
 
Paul: Ok, I think I'm over the game now. It was tough at first, but I can accept it now.
 
Joe: Yeah, I've gone through all five stages of losing, too: Losing, drinking, drinking, crying, drinking!
 
Paul: Now, channel surfing.
 
Joe: I am drinking!
(3:19 PM) 
Paul: Wow, let's hire that guy--Oregon's backup QB makes a huge 20 yard throw.
  
And then he runs for 6.
 
Joe: Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all the drinking in here!
 
Paul: Their backup offense is better than our first team. Oh great, they fumbled. Now we have to play offense again.
 
Joe: Im rooting for the commercials now. Yeah Extreme Makover Home Edition! You go! Don't let me down and completely destroy someone's home while they look on, helpless. Because that would be a terrible show. Who would watch that?
 
Paul: Hey, there was a challenge of the fumble and it was ruled in favor of Oregon!
 
Joe: Another fumble we don't recover. Is that the 10th?
 
Paul: But Oregon has to punt anyway! And now another opportunity to show how mediocre we are!
  
Joe: Hey, they converted a 4th down! Im not super unhappy about that! Im numb! Thanks beer!
(3:26 PM) 
Paul: The game will be over sooner if Oregon has the ball.
 
Joe: It's like when you can tell the dentist is removing your teeth, but you don't really feel it. You just hear it! See, this is fine! I'm fine! I love comparing Cal games to dentistry.
  
It's why I watch.

My cats are fighting, I am tempted to join them. That is a contest I will win. I think. But what if I were upset, and my cats gained the upper hand? I'm not sure I could handle that, psychologically speaking.

Paul: No don't, it doesn't look good. They will run screen passes on your face. Oregon runs another screen for first down. I'm sending an invoice to Tedford. For a proper shirt with real supernatural football powers.
 
Joe: I hate Chip Kelly like I would hate Teddy Ruckspin if he were the other team's coach.
 
Paul: That ref sounds just like Kermit the Frog!
 
Joe: Apparently it is pretty easy being green. Being blue sucks.

Paul: Hey hey hey, I just figured out what to like about this!
 
Joe: Oh yeah?
 
Paul: If they run up the score on us, we might punch them!
  
Joe: It won't be Kevin Riley. He can't hit anything.
(3:30 PM) 
Paul: That's a sack!
 
Joe: My fear is that Oregon's whole team will just decide to beat Jahvid Best about the legs, breaking them. And no one will be able to do anything. Our whole team will just cry and run.
 
Hey, they scored a field goal!
 
Paul: That goes in the win column! It's not a TD!
 
Joe: Their cheerleaders go in the loss column. HAW! Take THAT!
 
Paul: They have webbed toes. For swimming.
 
Joe: Why are people calling me? Why does anyone think I want to speak about this?
  
"Wow, Cal is getting stomped. Lets call Joe and get his reaction!"
 
Paul: I know, I've got a ton of text messages that I won't answer.
 
Joe: Wait for the live blog, dad!
(3:33 PM) 
Paul: This is a time for private mourning. Doesn't anyone see that the corpse isn't quite dead yet?
  
And Riley, resurrecting the ghost of Ayoob, throws the ball into the ground.
 
Joe: I bet Kevin Riley rocks at skipping stones. He's skipping balls all over the field.

Paul: Let's punt on third down. They won't see it coming.
 
Joe: How many incompletions did Riley throw in that series? Did he somehow throw 5 in one three and out?
 
Paul: Oh, the Bears cross mid-field. And here is another ludicrous throw by Riley!
(3:36 PM) 
Joe: Oh, this drive is still happening. Like a nightmare you think you've awoken from, only to find that your feet are still made of chocolate. Delicious chocolate.
  
Riley is sacked.
 
Paul: Why oh why did ABC cover this game instead of Miami-FSU. Wow, another sack.
 
Joe: This commercial about a lost dog really captures how I feel. Where is our offense, has anyone seen our offense!?
 
Paul: This is like taking your car to get the oil changed, and them telling you that you have a dead body in the trunk and blood all over your face and they've called the police.
 
Joe: I hate it when that happens!
  
Paul: This Olive Garden commercial is a lot like this game. The guy thinks he knows what he's going to get. And then "neverending Oregon spanking" is there on the menu. Hey, maybe I'll have that!
 
Joe: Yeah, the chef dropped our offense on the floor, but served it anyway.
 
Paul: The announcers are kinda getting loopy now--they realize no one is watching. Is anyone still reading this? Did anyone start?
 
Joe: I wonder if we'll even be ranked after this? I feel like we shouldn't be.
  
Paul: Does it matter?
 
Joe: No, that's why it's kind of perverse.

Paul: In my eyes, we're always number 1.
 
Joe: We look like number 2 to me.
  
Ha...ha
  
ah...
(3:42 PM) 
Hey, we have the ball! Our backup QB Beau Sweeney is in!
 
Paul: Beau Sweeny!
 
Joe: Woohoo!
 
Paul: He handed that ball off with authority!
 
Joe: That's something to feel kind of good about!
 
Paul: I smell comeback!

Joe: He got a first down! Minor victories people.
 
Paul: Yes, but we are still in our territory.
 
Joe: Okay, that errant throw isn't anything Riley wouldn't have done.
 
Paul: Oh my! That was a bad throw, wasn't it?
(3:44 PM) 
Joe: Wow, the fat girl dancing section is pumped up!
 
Paul: OMG is that the fat camp cheerleading squad?
 
Joe: That was like a school of whales.
  
Paul: I think a school of whales is actually called . . . what is it again?
 
Joe: A pod! They were pod-like people.
 
Paul: That could fuel an entire Pacific Life commercial! This game is almost over!

Joe: Sweeney gets hit hard in the head after tucking the ball and running. That's a good habit to get into early, running head first as a quarterback. We need to teach Riley that technique.
 
Paul: Okay, big third down, we need this…and we get it! It looks so easy now that Oregon has left for the post-game parties!
 
Joe: Sweeney has a really long throwing motion. Reminds me of Byron Leftwich.
(3:50 PM) 
Paul: That's the way to end the game! With a sack!
 
Joe: Oregon 42, Cal 3.
  
I think we managed to make something incredibly tragic and degrading into something kind of funny, and tragic and degrading.

I also think the USC game might be worth trying to blog. The crying game continues!
 
Paul: Man, that made me remember why it feels so good to win. Duck duck lose. That's a good title.
 
Joe: I could like, go fall down a hill on my bike and it would be the high point of my day so far.
  
Paul: I think I'm going to puncture my eardrum with a toothpick. I knew we were going to lose to Oregon. I think I always knew it in my soul. That spread option inside zone is just too complicated. Like trying to solve a calculus problem when you’re stoned, five years old, and a cat.
(3:58 PM) 
 
Joe: I'm gonna go sit in a corner and relive sad episodes from my childhood to cheer myself up. Go, uh, go beers.
 
Paul: Like that time when daddy got drunk, and thought your bed was the toilet. And you had to wake up to. . .
 
Joe: Dude! That almost happened at PAX (The Penny Arcade Expo, a video game festival in Seattle)! I had a few too many beers, and got out of bed at 4:30 in the morning.
  
And it kind of woke Morgan (my fiancé) up.
  
And she dimly saw me walk toward the curtains in the hotel room.
  
And then she saw me walk behind them.
  
And I got stuck.
 
And bounced around in there for a minute.
  
And then I finally got out and walked over to a big chair.
  
And brushed the hair out of my belly button and Morgan knows what that means, so she said "Joe!"
 
Paul: Elaborate?
 
Joe: "Joe wtf are you doing?!"
  
And I was like "Mmm?"
  
So she said, "You need to go to the bathroom!"
  
And I said "Yuh."
  
So then I walked over to the bed and stood over it and brushed my belly button again.
  
And she was like "NOOO!" So she jumped up and grabbed me and pushed me into the bathroom in front of the toilet, where I guess I peed, and then she put me in bed.
  
I never woke up.
 
Paul: That's a keeper right there.
 
Joe: She's the best girl ever! But the thing is, when I pee my belly button implodes. Like, if you suck your lips in, that's kinda what happens.
 
Paul: That makes no sense to me!
(4:03 PM) 
Joe: it goes from normal looking to a tight sphincter. And it pulls my happy trail in with it. So whenever I pee, I have to brush the hair out of my belly button, to keep it from eating it.
  
And when she saw me brush my belly button, Morgan knew what was up.
 
Paul: I'm sure it hates getting a mouthful of happy trail.
 
Joe: You wouldn't know from the way it acts.
  
It's voracious!
(4:04 PM) 
Paul: This btw, must go into the blog.
 
Joe: And so it does! Well, that's it for Professor Paul and I. And that is definitely it for the Bears' season, too. So long everyone, and happy trails.

Live Blogging The Dallas Cowboys vs. The New York Giants

In a bid to make my football time more productive, I decided to take notes on the Sunday night Dallas versus New York football game! This showdown marks the first contest in Jerry World, the Cowboys' new Billion dollar stadium. This is also the first time I've attempted to make fun of a whole, entire football game. But what the hell, with enough beer, anything is possible.

When I flip over to NBC, Bob Costas is interviewing Jerry "My Face Is On Really Tight" Jones. Jones says "I thought I had danced with the devil when I bought the Dallas Cowboys." Finally, something Jerry Jones and Cowboys fans can agree on.

Dallas might have the largest crowd in history, up to 111,000 people!

The Cowboys' new stadium looks like it just finished blowing up the White House. It is a football from outer space. And there's a massive HD screen hanging right over the field. It's 160' x 71'. To put that in perspective, a movie screen at a theater is 45' x 35'. And this sucker is HD and hanging 90 feet directly above the field. Punters can hit it if they try hard. It isn't supposed to fall down and squash everybody below, but that doesn't mean it won't!

The things couples do in Cialis commercials that are supposed to be sexually suggestive are pretty random. Like the couple washing the dog with a hose, then falling on the ground and laughing about it. Then the guy sleeping on the couch and telling his wife not to bother him. Heh, you don't need pills to do that. What, is he charging it?

Back to the Cowboys game and Bob is interviewing Jerry about collective bargaining. How much time does it take light to reach the furthest reaches of that stadium? And what is beyond a nosebleed seat? Total Recall Martian Atmosphere seats? Mind blowing and eye popping!

"Let's get busy turning our doing dials up a notch." Home Depot, curing ED since the 80s.

We flip over to the studio where Tony Dungy talks earnestly about who needs to do what to win the ballgame. But I don't hear a word he says, because I'm trying to figure out what he looks like. Bat Boy's dad. A giant wet cat. Black Nosferatu. Football Ghandi.

And now for an NBC inspired screensaver just to add a little bit more anticipation to this highly anticipated football game. Wow, the screen is black, and there's a little NBC icon dancing around. One Minute…three minutes…Move the mouse, assholes! Somebody hit a key, any key! Aaaand this terrifying piece of airtime is brought to you by the color black.

Phew, we're back to commercial. NFL Red Zone, where you only see touchdowns, and thus, never the Cleveland Browns offense.

And now they're going through the wonders of the world only to stop at Cowboys Stadium. Al Michaels says this is what the Coliseum was to the first century. Both fed a lot of Christians, just in very different ways.

Why do the Cowboys have to open this awesome new house by inviting the Giants? Couldn't they have begun with the Lions? Even a team of actual Lions wouldn't have come into this game any hungrier.

Aaand Jordan Sparks' microphone either doesn't work, or the stadium is just so huge that sound doesn't travel across it.

Rudy Guiliani…if one New Yorker dies tonight, let it be Eli Manning. But if two die, make Rudy the second one. Would it be possible for the screen to fall and kill everyone? I hope I don't ask this question again tonight.

Wow, 111,000 12th men, women, and Texans. Demarcus Ware's head looks so clean. George W. Bush tosses the coin and the Cowboys get the ball. That deal with the devil went okay, maybe that's a great sign. You know God is a cowboys fan, maybe Satan is too!

Jones out to the 24 yard line. And now 22 men out of 111,000 play football. Wonder what else is going on in that stadium right now?

Swing pass to Barber picks up three. That looked okay! Nothing to make the screen fall down and kill everyone. Hey, five yard pickup!

Chris Collinsworth and Al Michaels wonder if Romo will ever win a Super Bowl. Well that only took one minute. Meanwhile, Barber runs for another three or four while NBC runs through the hated Giants' defense.

3rd and 2. Barber in motion. Romo has an hour, misfires. He could have just run for it. Collinsworth says this was not a good start. Neither was the thirty yard punt return that followed it.

Illegal block on the Giants, ten yard penalty brings it waaaaay back. The screen smiles down on the Giants' plight smugly. Ware gets slapped in the face by his own teammate, Olshanski, between plays. Pay it forward guys!

Manning escapes a near sack, cuts loose a 32 yard completion to Steve Smith. The humongous screen hanging over the stadium frowns.

Manning with a 13 yard completion. Both completions in Terrance Newman's face. Terrance Newman's face is supposed to be great at football.

Collinsworth says Manning never seems uncomfortable anymore, and yet he also seems like the single most awkward, mouth breathingest player in football history.

2nd and 6 on the Dallas 35. The Giants' back is tackled in the backfield for a five yard loss by Jay Ratliff! Ow!

3rd and 11. Manning in shotgun. No pressure, 26 yard completion to Dallas 15.

1 and 10 Orlando Scandrick breaks up a big pass to about the 3.

2 and 10 and Jacobs picks up a couple.

3rd and 9 and Manning has been decapitated!!!!! Darn, didn't happen. I wrote that preemptively but Jenkins broke up the pass. Phew!

New York christens the Cowboys stadium with a field goal.

3 - 0 Giants over Cowboys.

The huge screen sits silently over the action.

Felix Jones returns the kickoff to the 37 yard line. And now John Madden is sitting next to George W. Bush! Wow, those will be some riveting conversations!

Madden: I think the Cowboys need to score either a touchdown or a field goal.

Bush: I'd go for the safety.

1 and 10 - Felix Jones rushes to the strong side for four.

Al Michaels tells us "The man who is really under the gun…" the camera switches quickly to Wade Phillips "…is Roy Williams." Ha, nice head fake, Michaels!

Witten catches a short completion for a couple, 3rd and 3. Tashard Choice moves in motion, makes a short catch and appears to have Dallas' first first down in their fancy new digs!

Marion Barber looks like Knuckles the echidna. Witten makes an 8 yard reception; he's so big he looks like he's in slow motion, like a whale out there.

2nd and 2. Barber gets dragged down by Kiwanuka for no gain. Barber sucks. He's worthless. Fire him. Cut his hair, maybe that's the problem.

Handoff on 3rd and 3 - Tashard converts on a hard, grinding run! That's more like it!

1st and 10 - Barber busts a huge run!!! Barber is the man! I'm going to grow my hair out like his! What a barbarian! I don't even mind the fumble at the end that went out of bounds.

1st and 10 from the 13… Romo fires to Martellus Bennett who fights through two defenders down to the two yard line! The colossal screen smiles on this! It wants no one to die. Yet.

Handoff to Barber who cuts straight into the end zone!!!!! Woooooooohoooooo! YES.

7 - 3 Cowboys over the Giants. And Eli Manning is decapitated in a freak camera accident!.......(I'm just going to leave this ellipse open until the end of the game when I'm sure it didn't happen).

These Bud Light Too Light Too Heavy commercials are generally good, although the guy jumping through the taxi window was kinda boring. He should have stolen the taxi, then run over a bunch of pedestrians before getting shot by the police. Now that would have been Too Heavy.

Oh look, the Giants field a kickoff and we're right back to the Diesel commercial with the rolling cans (and no people rolled over by the cans). Diesel…

Hmm, babies trading stocks. I like those babies. No jokes here, just biting insight.

Jay Leno, new time, same chin.

Giants 1st and 10 on their own 25. Allllmost intercepted by Anthony Spencer. Good start!

2nd and 10 - Brandon Jacobs kills everyone for a gain of about 3.

Madden: They need to either run or pass it here.

Bush: You're double right!

3 and 8 - Shotgun for manning. Wow, tons of pressure, ball goes nowhere. But his head has not yet come off. We won the battle, but the war goes on.

High punt almost reaches the bottom of the huge screen, which has a bizarre effect, it's almost like the punt is leaving my TV screen and threatening to travel to a different one.

Sears commercial poking fun at Favre for agonizing over decisions. Like Favre, that commercial was funny the first time, horrible the fifth.

1st and 10 - Romo pass tipped high into the air, yikes. Romo only had 3 passes tipped all of last year.

2nd and 10 - Completely broken play to Roy Williams.

3rd and 10 - Pass intercepted. UGH Touchdown. Romo had more than three of those last season.

"Romo makes a horrible throw." Chris Collinsworth isn't always surprising, but the guy is always right.

On the kickoff return, Felix Jones fumbles the ball right into the Giants' hands at about the 25 yard line. The screen is too shocked to kill everyone at this point. It's checking itself to see if that really just happened.

1st and 10 New York - Manning looking smug. Brandon Jacobs jogs for seven yards.

2nd and 4 - Dallas 23. Manning calls timeout. I was concerned before this game that I wouldn't be able to make football funny. Now I'm concerned that I won't find anything funny for the rest of the week.

Girlfriend gets home from workout and asks how it's goin'. I type furiously in response.

3rd and 4 - completion to the 5 yard line, Steve Smith. No pressure on Manning.

1st and Goal - Jacobs goes nowhere. 111,000 people sip their Bud Light in silence.

"Cialis: Seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting four hours." Or just turn on the Giants - Cowboys game. Flaccid penis.

2nd and goal - Pitch to Bradshaw loses 6! Wow, that was like crowd surfing upside down, he just got trampled!

3rd and goal - Mike Jenkins completely blows Smith up after reception in the flat.

And now for another Giants field goal. The screen is glad that it didn't swing down and kill people when it wanted to just a minute ago.

The field goal is "good," Giants lead 13 - 7.

Black and white commercial, Adrian Peterson rushes for 10 minutes to score a touchdown. Goes to the locker room. Takes off his pads, and his skin has a grid on it. This is all to say that Peterson wears very, very tight equipment. And has been shooting crocodile testosterone.

Graphic measures the height of the Empire State Building against the new Dallas Stadium. And the Empire State Building is just a bit taller than Dallas Stadium is long. That doesn't bode well…

Felix Jones takes the kickoff to the 27.

Draw play to Barber picks up 8! More Barber, he's great! He should get the ball on every play.

Bush: Mission accomplished!

Madden: *Eating* *Nods*

Offsides Giants - here comes 1st and 5.

Fiance wonders if the referee who called the offsides is the only black ref, or if he shares his mustache with several other black refs. I don't tell her that George Bush was probably just wondering the same thing.

2nd and 5 - Romo from shotgun pass across the middle to Miles Austin under pressure. Horsecoller tackle will add 15 to a great reception. Oh, major facemask! That's good, too.

Ha! Reverse to Crayton, Romo throws an incredibly worthless block. Crayton is going to need a spatula to pick himself up off the turf after what is clearly a late hit out of bounds. He ran that reverse better than I've ever seen him run it, and took a shot to the back of the head at about the three yard line. I hate to say it, but if one of our players can die, it's Crayton.

I want to see someone grab the money you could be saving with Geico, rip its eyes off, and stuff it in their pocket.

1st and goal from the 3, I hear Romo yell Kill kill kill! I like that call, but I don't love Barber getting stopped at the 1.

2nd and goal from the 1 - 3 tight end set for the Cowboys. Giants call timeout.

LL Cool J talking about watching the Charges, and you missed it, because you were getting your chest waxed! Wait no, you missed it, because you were in the midst of a flourishing career! No, that can't be it.

On 2nd and Goal Barber attempts to leap for the TD but is stuffed. Barber clearly made it, but no challenge. Romo throws to Witten for the TD!! Woohoo, the screen bounces happily! 111,000 people take a big gulp of bad beer and breath sighs of relief. I compliment my fiancé.

Wonder how Crayton's neck/head injury is doing?

Game time costs less at Walmart. The US economy ladies and gentlemen!

"Here's a new job for you, he's dead, turn off all the machines." That show is called "Mercy." What a nasty irony!

Sonorous Moss (is that a hippy name?) runs the ball back to about the 27 as Come Together plays. Short run for a few yards. Wow, David Diehl looks like the world's biggest librarian.

2nd and 6 - Pass to the flat picks up a bunch after Scandrick whiffs on an open field tackle.

1st and 10 - Manning under tons of pressure completes another 1st down pass to Manningham.

1st and 10 again - Manningham breaks one tackle, but Ware gets him in the back field.

2nd and 12 - Bradshaw gets sandwiched after picking up about 7.

Collinsworth points out that Chris Snee makes a good play on the Bradshaw run. Sneeeeeeeee.

3rd and 5 - Manning overthrows his receiver with tight double coverage. Feagles to punt.

Michaels points out that this has zero chance of hitting the board. Uuugh, the Giants deflect Feagles' incredible punt out of bound at the 1.

And now, a commercial with little girls, bunnies and kittens. Why aren't there more of those? Instead of this retarded commercial from GE where there's only one wrench to go around in their giant conglomerate.

Cowboys 1st and 10 on their own 4. Bennett in motion. Play action pass broken up to Witten.

Collinsworth points out that Giants and Cowboys are trading field goals for touchdowns while Felix Jones runs for nothing on 2nd down.

3rd and 10 deep in their own territory - the screen holds its breath. No one sips beer. Draw play to choice looks like it has a chance to go for the first down, but Choice is tripped by his shoestrings for the 4th and 7.

McBriar's punt sails just beneath the jumbotron, and the Giants have the ball at their own 40.

Brandon Jacobs' highlight reel looks like Brock Lesnar's - it's him killing people.

1st and 10 - Jacobs is wrapped up for a one yard loss. Collinsworth points out that Dallas got gouged last week by Tampa's rushing attack. And yet the Boys have done well against the Giants, a superior running team.

2nd and 11 - Giants pick up the blitz, and Steve Smith catches a pass out to the 47.

3rd and…6 - Madden - That was both bad and good.

Bush: Holy cow, look at that screen! I just noticed it!

Incomplete across the middle, fourth down Giants!

"Here's something you never saw coming:" More Law and Order!

Crayton fields the punt at about the 12 yard line. Oh, he's alive!

Emmitt, Irvin and Aikman chatting on the sidelines. Maybe Aikman should run down the sideline and scream at people to show what a leader he is. Romo completes 30 yard reception to Crayton, flag down.

Justin Tuck is down and looks hurt! This game gets better all the time. Aw crap, Flozelle Adams called for tripping. What a girly name, Flozelle. 29 penalties since 2007, Adams is the most penalized player in the NFL in the last two years.

1st and 16 - Dallas on their own 6. 1:38 remains in the half. Romo complete to Roy Williams who breaks a Corey Webster tackle and sprints for a first down. Roy Williams is amazing! What a great player. I take back everything bad I said about him.

1st and 10 - Romo in the gun. Fires high over Crayton, incomplete.

Justin Tuck is still on the sideline. That trip by Adams was awesome. I shall name all of my sons Flozelle, and all of my daughters, too.

2nd and 10 - Romo quick pass looks like its been intercepted…kicked off Witten's foot right into Phillips' hands. Touchdown Giants?

Good thing we've got this humongous screen so everyone can clearly see that it's a Giants' interception. The screen should kill itself, now.

Bush: That guy's foot is terrible at catching!

Madden: If Romo had thrown a good pass, it wouldn't have been a bad play.

New York gets the ball on the 28 yard line since the play was blown dead. 75,000 people head to the snack stands for another beer.

1st and 10 - completion to Manningham for a few.

2nd and 4 - I'm numb. I bet the Cowboys D is shocked. Ball is tipped 20 feet into the air and everyone just watches it rise and fall. The D can't even believe it's on the field. They feel as confused as Bush and Madden.

3rd and 4 - Here comes Jacobs. No, Manning passes to Mannigham, who juggles the ball in the end zone after he gets away from Terrance Newman and comes up with the TD.

Someone give the screen a beer; it's had to replay some horrible things tonight.

That's Manning's 100th career TD. How nice for him.

Miles Austin bumbles and stumbles to about the…Dallas 40, and there are 40 seconds left in the half.

1st and 10 - Witten makes 8 yard catch and can't get out of bounds. The New York tackle was as slow as watching a lion try to take down a full grown water buffalo.

2nd and 2, 31 seconds left on their own 41 or so. Romo from shotgun. Pass is deflected as Romo throws, falls dead. 26 seconds to go.

Barber runs for the 1st down, Cowboys take quick timeout. 18 seconds left on Cowboys 45.

The inside of the scoreboard is huge. Great place for a James Bond shootout. Maybe someday a villain will fall out of the screen and onto the field.

Romo complete to Barber who picks up at least 20. Cowboys in field goal range with 13 seconds. Romo did a great job of sliding up in the pocket and dunking the ball off to his running back.

1st and 10 - Williams juggles the ball off his helmet in the end zone. What a fitting symbol for the end of this circus of misfortune we call the first half of the Giants Cowboys game.

The field goal is good, 20 - 17 Giants over the Cowboys.

Bush - Are we winning?

Madden - You're not losing!

And that's the end of the first half!

Bob Costas' interview with Madden is creepy. Madden's lips are oddly colorless. And yet, his point about Brett Favre is awesome! He says Brett should do what he wants, and a lot of people seem to take authorship of his life. Damn Madden, when you make points, points are made! That was a verbal touchdown. Maybe I've been writing his conversations with George Bush all wrong.

Jack in the Box - A good alternative to stealing food off abandoned hotel room service trays. I agree with that.

And now the beginning of the third quarter. The Cowboys kickoff to the Giants.

Fielded at about the three, and returned to the 17.

Andrea Kremer says the Giants had only 12 rushing yards in the first half. Justin Tuck is getting x-rays on his injured shoulder! Wow, what great news.

1st and 10 - Brandon Jacobs is stopped at the line of scrimmage, but there's no one around to make the actual tackle, so he grabs an extra 8 yards.

2nd and 1 - Wow! A Cowboy had a hand on Jacobs, then another Cowboy came and blasted his own guy. Ugh, huge run. Newman was the idiot who whiffed on Jacobs and blasted his own guy, and wound up hurting himself on the play. What irony - he intentionally mis-tackles Jacobs, and bashes himself in the midsection. Terrance Newman has had an awful game so far.

1st and 10 on Dallas' 38. The Giants have picked up 40 yards on two rushes. Horrible missed tackle in the flat leads to another ten yard gain. Scandrick on the whiff.

1st and 10 - Bradshaw tears through the defense for 19, down to the Dallas 19.

1st and 10 again. Bradshaw somehow turns nothing into 3.

2nd and 7 - Incomplete to the fullback, who got blown up as soon as the ball arrived by Keith Brooking. Collinsworth says the Dallas backs ran into each other and everyone on the field was wide open, but Manning didn't see it. Bullet dodged!

3rd and 7 - ALLLLmost intercepted. Not much pressure on Manning, he just threw it to a Cowboy for some reason. Surprised the defender as much as anyone else.

And then New York misses a short field goal! Welcome to the misfortune bowl, bitches! Don't let the screen hit you on your way out!

And now a Re-vent Horizon commercial…Pandorum. In space, no one can hear you check your watch.

Huge fat couple in Cowboys gear, one lady holding a sign that says she loves the new stadium, while the guy next to her dances with a two foot tall bobblehead doll. There is a couple like that in every crowd of 111,000.

Meanwhile, Felix Jones somehow dashes for like 20!

1st and 10 draw to Felix Jones for about 3.

Jerry Jones has a stilted conversation with a fan in front of him while awkwardly looking at the camera every two seconds.

2nd and 8 - I was too busy reliving Jones' awkward conversation to see what happened.

3rd and 8 - Romo in the gun. Pass to the flat to Crayton, who takes it for about two.

Cowboys punt - Fair caught at the 5! Nice. 9:15 left in the third quarter.

Anti-smoking commercials shouldn't be aired during NFL broadcasts. They can't compete with the ups and downs of an NFL game, both of which make hardcore fans crave a cigarette.

1st and 10 from the 5, Newman manages to tackle Brandon Jacobs instead of himself.

2nd and 8 - Manning form the I. Eli is under pressure and misses a throw to Madison Hedgecock (also a very girly name, Madison).

3rd and 8 - The crowd is going crazy, the screen is swinging, and the Giants take a timeout.

Unlike anti-smoking ads, cheap beer ads only make sense during NFl broadcasts. Although it's incredible, I would easily pay 9 bucks for a Bud Light at a Cowboys game. But I wouldn't pay 75 cents for one at Albertsons.

Bush: That's an oxymoron!

Madden: You can't get drunk, if you don't drink.

Damn right, Madden. What's in the fridge…Ah, A Corona Light! Is it me, or is Corona Light the only truly acceptable light beer?

3rd and 8 - Manning blasted as he throws, pass sails out of bounds. Flag at the 12 yard line. Defensive holding?! Damn you Bobby Carpenter!! You have an NFL player's name, but you play like your name should be Madison Hedgecock. His father played for the Giants, says Michaels. Did he really?

1st and 10 - Manning unleashes and a super late flag is thrown on Terrance Newman. Ugh. From bad to worse! Great, spot of the foul. 30 yard incompletion.

Speaking of jerk names, Terrance.

1st and 10 - And now Jacobs runs for 5.

I don't even want to watch the rest of this drive. The screen and I both wish we could close our eyes. But Jacobs goes nowhere!

3rd and 5 - Oh!!!! Big tackle from Newman on Manningham. Newman is going berserk on the sideline.

Feagles punt is nowhere near the big screen. It's still 20 - 17, Giants.

And now for a weird Prius commercial where the landscape is made of people. If only the road were made of people, that would be a crazy commercial.

1st and 10 - Romo has an hour, misses an easy dump off.

2nd and 10 - Felix Jones sprints for 56 yards all the way down the field! Awesome cutback! Finally gets chased down by the safeties.

1st and 10 on the 27 - Barber turns the corner, stiff arms a Giant, and rumbles to the 17!

1st and More 10!! - Romo handoff to Barber who careens through the Giants defense like his eyes are closed and finally winds up out of bounds at the 3.

1st and goal - Barber goes nowhere.

2nd and goal - Chris Collinsworth points out that it's been a wild game. No kidding *pulls heavily from Corona Light*

Romo in gun - Fakes the draw to barber. Collinsworth says Romo "throws that one like a Nolan Ryan fastball" past his receiver. Incomplete.

3rd and goal - Romo on the draw runs for the TD! 111,000 people cheer! The screen beams! Jerry Jones' face stretches into a smile!

24-20 Cowboys!

Bush - The thrower was the runner on that one!

Madden - If you can't beat 'em, you lose!

And now for a glimpse at the Cowboys' Cheerleaders locker room? They get a locker room? Collinsworth says the girls are great ambassadors for the game.

David Buehler blasts a kick out of the back of the end zone.

1st and 10 from the 20 - Bradshaw gets blasted by Igor Olshansky who has a great football name, and an awesome football mullet!

2ns and 10 - Manning miraculously avoids a sack, gets free, and then misfires to a wide open Steve Smith. Bullet misfired.

3rd and 10 - Bradshaw breaks a tackle at the line, but doesn't make it to the first down marker. Puntin' time!

The screen is giddy at the thought! Hit me and I may hit you back! Feagles' kick looks like it tickles the side of the screen, but it went off the side of his foot to the Dallas 43. Terrible punt! Dallas can put it away on this drive!

1st and 10 Dallas - Romo play action, completely dodges a blitzer and gets the ball to Sam Hurd, who gets slammed after a gain of 7.

2nd and 2 - Barber leaps into a pile of people and completely disappears. The ball is spotted right on the 1st down marker.

1st and 10 - Fiance tells me she just bought four different types of cheese and beer. I shed a single tear.

Romo steps back and throws a deep ball…straight to the New York safety. Intercepted. Collinsworth is flabbergasted. "Kenny Phillips did everything but fair catch that one."

Giants 1st and 10 at their own 27 - Manning shows Romo how it's done, throwing a 40 bomb to Manningham.

Three interceptions for Romo. Maybe the screen can swing down and kill only him. If that happened, and the camera were on Romo, his annihilation would be broadcast in HD on the instrument of his destruction. That's the kind of thing that seems like a positive thought after your quarterback has thrown three picks.

1st and 10 - 2 yar drun

2nd and 8 at the Dallas 24 - Jacobs is tripped from behind by Ware. Our poor defense! They've been clobbering people!

3rd and 8 - The Giants deserve to score something here. And Eli has an hour, completes a pass to a wide open Steve Smith who dives into the end zone for a TD.

27 - 24 Giants. I'm at the point where I don't even want my team to win. How is that possible? And can the Cowboys feel the same way? Is it possible for Romo to lead us back? His whole role has been asshole. If he were going to redeem himself and come back and win the game for us, then why did he bother throwing ALL those picks in the first place? The way this game is going, the screen will swing down and kill everyone BUT Romo after he throws another pick-six.

The Cowboys have squads of cage dancers in the standing room only areas of their stadium. So we have that going for us.

Felix Jones fields the kick off, makes it to about the 18.

1st and 10 - Toss back to Jones picks up a few.

Collinsworth points out how awful Romo has been. Stop being so right, Chris. Tell me lies!

2nd and 7 - Romo hit as he throws, ball dives into the turf.

3rd and 7 - Romo in the gun with two backs. Romo throws into double coverage, ball bounces off Crayton's hands.

Cowboys punt. By now, everyone in the stadium is feeling the first stages of a hangover. The Cowboys just squandered a crucial chance at a comeback. And now, by rights, the Giants should drive down the field and score at least a field goal.

Bush: I'm bored.

Madden: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

"What if you finally got pregnant, and the doctor told you the baby was someone else's?" Can that happen with quarterbacks? I'm looking at you, Romo.

1st and 10 - Bradshaw loses a yard.

2nd and 11 on their own 40 - Manning has no pressure, throws a perfect ball to Manningham for 25 yards.

1st and 10 on Dallas 35 - Bradshaw picks up ten on the ground after two cowboys completely whiff on tackles. Scandrick tackled air, again.

Couldn't see two plays through my facepalm.

3rd and 7 - Dallas 20, Pressure on Manning, he manages to get away from the blitzers, completes a pass to Steve Smith, but it's 3 or 4 short of the first down. Giants send in the field goal team. I'm not making jokes by the way because THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

The field goal is good, Giants up 30 - 24.

Felix Jones fields the Giants' bouncing kickoff and brings it to the 30. Romo, 114 yards, 1 TD and 3 picks.

1st and 10 - Barber dashes through a hole for 12! That's the key, just hand the ball off! Don't let Romo kill us! Deon "Cricket" Anderson had an awesome block.

Garrett agrees with me on 1st and 10: Handoff to Barber goes for one or two.

2nd and 8 - Romo pass sails out of bounds.

3rd and 8 - Romo from the gun. Pass complete to Witten to the 45! Thank god that still works.

1st and 10 - Romo form gun. Hands off to Barber on a draw for 4.

2nd and 6 - Barber gashes through the defense, gets to the second level, looks like he's going to make the end zone and then seems to hurt his leg and falls. Looks like he pulls his quad.

1st and 10 - Felix Jones finishes the job with an easy scamper and scores a Touchdown. Romo looks properly dejected. Kyle Kosier completely demolished a defender to set up the TD run.

31- 30 Cowboys.

And Dallas has a 1 point lead with 3:30 to go in the game. The defense has been the best part of the team, but the Cowboys rarely have the killer instinct to put an opponent away at this stage of a game. The Giants will score at least a field goal. Or, they'll score a quick touchdown. But I don't think they'll make a long drive for a TD. This is also a time to watch Dallas' kickoff coverage. Will they give up a 50 yard return? Last season they would have. I'm far too geeked out on this game now to write anything entertaining.

The kickoff is returned to about the 25, so at least I was wrong about that!

The Cowboys have rushed for 173 yards….in the 2nd half! 251 rushing yards for the game so far. Wow.

1st and 10, Dal 25, 3:34 - Manning from gun. TE screen picks up several yards, but there's a flag at the 23! Is it possible, could something go right for the Cowboys? Hol…Hoooollll……..Two fouls both on the offense! HOLDING is accepted!

1st and 20! Manning completes a pass to Bradshaw for about 2 yards. Ratliff makes the tackle.

2nd and 18: Manning gets away from pressure and completes at least a 15 yard pass to Hagan.

3rd and 6 - 2:00 - Wow, this game is way more exciting than it has any right to be. It's basically the Cowboys whole team…versus Romo. I don't know how to feel anymore.

Bush: Are we going to win?

Madden: As long as you don't lose!

3rd and 6 - 2:00 on the New York 29 - Manning in the gun. No pressure, Manning completes an easy pass for about 10 to Steve Smith.

1st and 10 on the 40 - 1:35 - Manning completes a pass for about two yards and it's knocked loose. Incomplete.

2nd and 10 - 1:28 - Romo running down the sideline trying to excite his players. Dallas tries to blitz and Manning doesn't feel it at all. Completes 10 yard pass to Kevin Boss. Someone bind and gag Romo.

1st and 10 on Dallas 47 - Pass complete to the 41 to Smith.

2nd and 4 with 40 seconds: Manning sails a pass over Steve Smith.

3rd and 4 with 39 seconds: Drinking heavily. Ohgodohgodohgod…Cowboys take timeout.

Demarcus Ware puts the helmet back on his unnaturally sleek head. Has he done anything this game? Now would be a good time!

Manning from the gun - The pass is tipped at the line…into the hands of Mario Manningham. 33 yard line.

1st and 10 - Manning over the middle to Steve Smith for 10. 13 seconds.

1st and 10 - Handoff picks up a couple yards. Giants take timeout. 4 seconds left.

How long does it take 111,000 people to file out of a stadium? How many can make it out before the Giants hit this field goal?

The kick is good, but Phillips gets a time out in. It won't matter, but at least it sticks it to the Giants a little bit right before they stick it to us in our new stadium. Good on you, Wade.

And now for the real game winning field goal. Right down the middle, New York Giants 33, Dallas Cowboys 31.

The screen sighs. The people file out. And the new stadium era begins with a terrible performance by Tony Romo, and a game winning drive by Eli Manning.

Can we burn it down, now?